I did not log anything yesterday. Not that there wasn’t anything to log it was just to much and I think my brain shut itself off and went into survival mode. I went to bed night before last at 1am and woke at 4am to the sound of a waterfall. (first night in a long time I was tired enough to go to bed in the night) Went out and there was water pouring out of my ceiling. What a mess! Just what I needed to face; how would I face it. I was already overwhelmed. I paced not knowing what to do at first and then like nothing I dug in. This also meant a visit from my landlord later in the day and my home was a disaster that needed tended to. I am still surprised at how calmly I dealt with the situation. Maybe it wasn’t calm, more like auto pilot. It was a strange day to go without feeling a thing,
As today begins I feel major anxiety, I do have a call today from the self referral people.
The tremors/vibrating/ shaking whatever it is seems to be more prominent these days. Really it has been since this bad bout came on me last couple weeks. Sometimes I feel like a freak!
As I wait for my self referral call anxiety is rising big time, having memories of the one and only time I seen a psychiatrist, it was bad. I left that day thinking if I wasn’t suicidal going in, I sure am coming out. They made me feel horrible, bought my mother in with me to chat and told me what a horrible daughter I was yadda yadda...the same mother who hid and buried a sexual assault on me. Even if everything they were saying about me were true, even if. I am there for help; this is my first appointment shouldn't I be built up at first or heard before ripping me apart. I am afraid of the mental health system. So very many fears. I can’t dare go into that today as anxiety is already flooding through me.
Contact from self referral.
Says I need Trauma therapy for sure and will set me up with the right counselling. It was a little draining but oddly good. I think I need to find, address and acknowledge all the buried trauma and wounds. Some of these have never been talked about let alone addressed; but it is needed. She did not see any referral to psychiatrist and will look further into it.
Feeling really antsy today. Anxiety is high as well. I just can’t seem to settle at all. This is new. Had a nap from 4pm to 6pm. Felt like I had slept the entire night. Back to bed at 11pm
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