This weekend has not been so bad. Anxiety did rear its head as it is always on guard but nothing extreme. I use my meditation videos to put me to sleep every time and that too seems to be helping. While my sleep schedule is not great, the sleep I do get is good. All improvement no matter how slight. Sometimes I am afraid to admit a day is good or better. I am not sure why but I can only assume that maybe part of my brain knows all good things come to an end. Part of my brain knows that a good day does not mean there wont be more bad. Fear that people may think I am better when I know full well I am not. Will I be expected to go back to “normal” because I had a better day? How about I don’t know what my normal is. I don’t know what normal is. What expectations come with being normal. What if my normal is not what others feel it should be. I just want to be content no matter what that looks like. I also want to feel loved. I know my children love me but I want to feel it, I need to feel it. I want to feel good. That is my goal at the end of this healing process. Contentment and love. What ever else that goes along with that I can deal with. I don’t need anything big or flashy. For now, I take a better day and keep working towards this goal. I will have bumps along the way, no doubt, but one foot in front of the other. Slow and steady.
- I just don’t have anything left of me to deal with the negative, stress, hate, and push back. (Reposting this sentence from a January post)
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