Things have not been good. I was holding out hope for my eldest, but she has proven that nothing changed in her month away. She is in active addiction, and I am scared. She has cut off her family and friends. She was functioning somewhat until today. She has not shown up for work. Back only 5 days! She can now kiss her job goodbye. They were so good to her. They were understanding and gave her all the time she needed to get better and here we are. Everyone is hurt. I am a wreck. I just had to take an Ativan. I have visions of her overdosed on the ground somewhere dead. The nightmares are back. This is not good. I don’t know what to do.
I am struggling! I am scared! Why me??????????????????????????? Aren't I going through enough already?
I feel like my life is crashing down around me. I feel like I am hitting my bottom. I am not sure I can get through this. How can I keep going like this? I am already broken to the depths of my being how am I supposed to be equipped to deal with this? I feel like everyday a piece of me dies. There aren’t many pieces left. I am dying from the inside out.
I want to go to my mom, but I can’t. I can’t trust her to be supportive and not spread gossip between the family. I need someone to be here for me. Support me. I am always alone. I don’t know what I want or need right now. I do know I want the internal pain to stop. I want the mental anguish to stop. How am I ever supposed to get my own issues resolved? FUCK!
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