Today is hard and I do not really know why. Anxiety, sadness, tears.... Triggered! Lil bit and I began the process of looking for a car, a cheap ole used car. I am guessing this process was part of the trigger, I have no one to help me. I can not go just look at a car, and if I did have a way to get there I honestly don't know what to look for. Dollars are limited as I will have to also pay taxes, licensing and such. I also need to purchase insurance. I also started thinking about how I had a good car and I lost it. It was my fault I lost it. I will take ownership in that. Maybe I didn't try hard enough? Can't go backwards only forward now. For me, I could not care if I ever again have a car. My youngest child needs it. For her mental health. In a desperate way. I will have to teach her to drive as there is no way we can afford a car, insurance and driving school. This terrifies me. I get anxiety just thinking about it. So I push it down to deal with later. I am good at that!
Recent Happenings:
I finally got approved for my disability and it is good until I turn 65, unless I go back to work.
Mom and my younger brother (lives in another province) came for a visit, a well planned visit a week in advance. I still didn't get everything as ready for them as I like. Maybe that was good because mom can see the struggles I am having. A validation that my mind seems to need/want from her. On a side note she did bring me in a religious calendar. I wish I could speak up! I believe I don't because I hate tension, I am a peace keeper to my own detriment. I do not want to hurt anyone as I know to the depths of my being what hurting someone feels like. I can walk away from the rest of my family but not mom. This is a very difficult battle within myself. I still have a lot of work to do.
Cousin was in this week for a few nights. As always it was good.
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