I did not sleep last night despite taking 2 trazadone 50mg, was up all night and finally forced myself to bed at 7 am this morning. I did sleep until 1:15 pm.
I cry everyday, just silent flowing tears. It is not always bad thoughts that trigger it, sometimes it is the good things I miss. I long to feel something, anything good. I am thinking this is part of the process and today I feel like I have taken the first step in acknowledging some things that have contributed to my current state of mind.
I find myself wondering if the recent influx of tears could be a sign of improvement or if it is a sign of things getting worse. While I was on the meds originally and they were “working” I never cried not one tear. I did not feel anything at all outside of the occasional anxiety which was better for me. I was even keel across the board, no happy, no sad, no anything. I just was.
Life is hard!
It is currently 2:30am (technically the 9th now) and I have no more sleep in me than if I just got up from a 24-hour nap.
Forced myself to listen to music and play cards online. Music is supposed to be uplifting and at first, I thought it may just work, then the tears started, flowing slowly down my cheeks and chin. I am noticing recently that I am feeling all the hurt and pain inside me deeper than I ever have. Is this the start to feeling better? Am I making strides by acknowledging the damage? Or is this symptomatic of getting worse. The inner pain is very heavy and almost debilitating, but I am feeling it. This is new, the me before NEVER felt this pain.
I believe the causes of this pain have been buried, deep inside me.
I believe I ended up where I am because there was no more room to burry.
The dam broke!
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