Feeling real emotions about my kids. Love, joy, pride, an overall warmness. I did get a new weed pen today and had to try it, But I am feeling! This is huge. Obviously the videos and articles and weed helps. Then I get the voices telling me weed is bad. The people helping me (NP, therapist) are going to be disappointed/mad. They are going to say I am an addict or will be an addict. They are going to say the weed doesn’t help and that it’s the new meds. They are going to say if the days between weed and no weed are bad it is because of the weed. I feel like any amount of weed is not acceptable.
I have smoked weed since high school. Never on a regular basis. Recreational use only. I did have a stint of depression aver 20 years ago and I did use weed to get through that bout and more than normal. That is not where I am at here.
Why do I feel like everything I find good, never is for anyone else. Why should it matter? The most important thing at this point is my quality of life as I work through the trauma. If having a couple evenings where weed helps, IT HELPS! If only for an evening or a couple hours, Is it better for me to be considered bad or for me to feel things like love for my children, memories from the past that allow me to acknowledge them. This is progress even if it comes at a cost. NO price to high to feel a little love. Why do I always need approval? Why cant someone say a bit of weed now and again might just help you or that in moderation it can be helpful. I hate the conflict I feel about feeling good. Sigh!
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