Memories popping up tonight. I am just going to make note of them without detail just so I don’t forget.
- Special Needs Aunt (childhood)
- Afraid of Paternal Grandmother
- JG
- CPS report
- upstairs neighbors from hell
- Dog Bite (daughter)
- Mummers with gun
- Beer Strike May 24
- Dads work accident reaction
- Recurring childhood dream
Hypervigilance
RTS – religious trauma syndrome
CPTSD – no before no after
I just had a realization. I am always trying to help myself heal or recover or learn to live with whatever mental health issues I have going on. I am learning a lot. CPSD really resonates with me. Someone explained that with PTSD there is a you before the incident that you are working to get back to – a sense of self. With CPSD you have no before or after – no sense of self. What did you want to be when you grew up – nothing. What things made you happy as a child – nothing. Etc.… I believe the ONLY joy I felt was when I was on the ice skating. I can not tell you why I liked it so much but it was my happy place and I loved it. When my youngest daughter found that same love I was immersed back into the joy. I loved watching her skate and being at the rink and living that life. To share in that joy with her. When that was all stolen from us everything crumbled. I have to rebuild and start over but where? How? Every trauma of my life is coming back in dribs and drabs, shit keeps piling on. I don’t know who I am or how to be. I know I need a lot of work. I need a lot of help. I need a lot of healing. I need a lot of growing. I want to be excited about this, about finally discovering me. Then I wonder if it is to late. I have lost so much time. I have been an adult for 36 years. Piling on more damage as each year ticked by. Damaging my children along the way. There were times, now that I look back, where the mental health system failed me. 2 times in particular. Would things have been different if they worked? Did they contribute to my demise? They failed me like many many things in my life. It took a long time to become this damaged and I know it will not fix itself overnight. I am still unpacking; I am still trying. Some days I am hanging by a thread and others I have so many ideas and plans that just don’t pan out. I didn’t even take yesterdays shower yet (and it is 3 am). The clothes I washed have been dried but now sit in a heap on the chair waiting to be folded. Truth is there is a 50/50 chance they will never get folded and will be just pulled from the pile as needed. I don’t have the energy or mental capacity to do things. It is very hard not to beat myself up over it. I accept it most times, but it bothers me greatly.
Known chaos – brain is doing what it knows
Emotion regulation
Quote from a reading:
“I spent most of those years burying my feelings about what had happened by developing very unhelpful schemas of perfectionism, unrelenting standards, doormat syndrome, subjugation, etc. All very destructive schemas but they were my coping mechanisms. “
Add comment
Comments