Got some good sleep and am now on high alert, stressing, worried scared all over again. My eldest daughter who is supposed to work at 4:50 is not responding to me nor is her boyfriend. They are an hour away from her work ...I have called texted facetimed them both and nothing. This is not good. I can not take anymore overwhelming fears and emotions. I sit and wait for the police to knock on my door. I can not, no way, keep living like this. It is horrible, devastating and heartbreaking.
Boyfriend got back to me; they are fine just overslept but daughter is not working today. Now I need to allow myself to come down. This high alert is hard. There is no relaxing just tension and fear. Then daughter calls yelling at me saying “you got to give that up mom” like I like this? Try to feel like this? You think I wouldn’t give this up if I had a choice? They just don’t understand! I am not choosing this. I can not just turn this off. I can’t suck it up or give it up. This is not a life worth living. I can accept and adjust to living at home, and never going out in the real world again. I can but I can’t do it while having this anxiety and fear taking over all the time. I need comfort and home isn’t even a comfort when you are on high alert all the time.
I sit here so drained, I need to shower, I want to at minimum give myself a good wash and change my clothes. I can’t! I am so tired and I am trying not to give in and go to bed but I don’t think I can. To be so exhausted I can not even get up to close the curtains or go to bed is frustrating.
Went to bed couldn’t sleep. Managed to get a wash and change my clothes. Not the shower I need but it is something.
Hear moving around upstairs and I automatically feel like I done something to wake them. After some thought I believe it may be their cats but why do I automatically feel like I done something wrong or it is my fault?
I am feeling so broken from deep within me.
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