Literally slept most of the day. Was up a couple times for short period. I been up now since about 11pm and am currently doing everything in my power to stop a major panic attack. Anxiety is building and I feel like I am dying inside. Daughter is out to a party; I was texting with her 11:15pm to confirm that is where she is and that she is ok. All good she told me her friend would likely be sleeping over – cool. 2 hours later with no word from her I tried texting, no response (not showing read) I called no response, I facetime no response. Fear, worry, panic every thought possible is creeping in and I am not OK. I just need her to let me know she is ok. This is not fun …. maybe my body was preparing me for what is to come. Please let my baby be ok.
Got the call, I new it was coming my baby girl was not ok. Her sister had gone to her and had to call an ambulance. Elder daughters boyfriend called and was on the way to get me. While I waited, I curled up with my baby’s blanket and screeched saying over and over my baby is dead my baby is dead. How does one come down from that fear! I had to plow through my anxiety legs shaking and go inside the hospital. Turns out she is going to be ok probably she will end up better than me. Elder daughter offered to stay when we got the update and let me go home to deal with the massive anxiety I am in. The guilt hits, I feel like a bad mom leaving my baby there. I came home, I am not ok. These shocks to the system are what got me here in the first place. Now I feel like I must start over. Any progress I may have made is set back now. I am crying a lot. I am scared, hurt, worried, stressed – alone!
I don’t want this to be my life, I really don’t. How do I make this better.
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