Appointment with new Therapist Rick today. Am officially on his books as a patient and can now get scheduled visits and won’t need to call in for same day appointment. He has assigned homework and acknowledged it may not be easy but feels it will be helpful. I'm all about all the help. I need it. He is encouraging me to contact income support and to remind myself that because it went bad before doesn’t mean it will be bad this time. Hopefully I can conquer this tomorrow.
Anxiety is climbing, I am trying hard to ward it off, talk myself down but anxiety and fear are winning. Haven’t heard from 2nd daughter today and realized it was 10 pm last night she last made contact. Her messages are no longer delivering, and I am worried. I am scared! I feel something is wrong deep within me. Calls go to voice mail. Feels like my heart is gonna explode with pain and fear. FEAR!
She is fine but I am not. I ended up calling her work she answered, and she is fine. She was not happy I called her work. I don’t care I needed to know she is ok. No one else was responding. I needed to know if calling the police was the next step. I never know if HE has hurt her, or done something to her or if she has done something to herself. How do I convince myself that she is ok or will be ok, My poor baby girl is hurting so much internally and mentally. I get it and contribute to it. I want us all to be better.
Then coming down from all that anxiety and tension and fear is hard. The release is hard. I do not want to live like this everyday, I often feel like I need to be hospitalized then reality hits and I think it isn’t that bad until next time.
Reading some material and this struck me.
Take your negative thoughts to trial.
Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of? Is it happening right now or is it an imagined threat?” If you have the time, talk through your fearful thoughts or write out what happened and how you feel. Then imagine a response that makes you feel empowered.
Lack of motivation need not prevent positive action.
- Set specific goals you want to accomplish in the next day, week, month, and year. Waiting for the motivation to show up is often a trap that you get into that leads to further passivity and isolation. We know that passivity and isolation are major factors in depression.
- You can start by listing two goals for today and four goals for the week and six goals for the month. Then keep track of your progress toward these goals and recognize that you can accomplish goals even if you don't feel like doing it. You need to master the control of your own behavior. And this means developing the ability to do what you don't want to do.
Today - Kitchen and Laundry
Week - Kitchen 3 days in a row, Bathroom, laundry (from my room), start gutting my room.
Month - Get in habit of keeping kitchen clean, finish gutting, cleaning and organizing my room, get rid of garbage (boxes etc), cook supper at least 3 days a week consistently, shower twice a week
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