Slept about 5 hours last night no Ativan, no tea, no vape.
Had therapy appointment in person this morning. While I was on parking lot waiting for my time to go inside, I seen many people entering the building. I could see them through the window standing even, it was packed. I couldn’t do it. There was no way I could go in. I called and left message (x2 one on his direct line and one with reception) and he called me back. I had my appointment via telephone while sitting on the parking lot looking at the building.
Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t fully comprehend what it is exactly I am telling him. The emotions seem to come more and more each time. I know I still try to hold back as much as I can but often, I have no control and it just let’s loose.
After I returned home, I sat outside and had a smoke while trying to process everything. Across the way is a couple of two-story duplexes. There is one directly in my eyesight that has the windows and doors downstairs boarded up. The few upstairs windows are not boarded up. Today when I looked at this sight the tears flowed fast and furious. I see me in that boarded up house. For me is resonates as my life and where I am. When I am no longer on this earth that would be my life. Hard to explain in words but I see it as my reflection looking back at me.
How did I get here? Can I get out? Can I change that reflection looking back at me? Lord knows I am trying. Trying my damdest! I still have a little fight left. I just hope it is enough!
I have noticed that the more open I am with my skin picking condition (my first time writing about it I think) the worse I am at the picking. I am being told it is part of anxiety and no one seems to place much focus on it. Again, I can’t tell you why I do this for if I knew why or how to stop I surely would. It is not good, I have sores and scars all over, mostly hidden from view of anyone, my brain is clearly smart enough for that.
The constant phone calls looking for payments is getting to me! It is driving my anxiety crazy. I have zero control over this situation right now and it isn’t helping me feel any better about myself or mental state. There must be more than this. I am reminded of why suicide rates are so high. We have to do better! I know firsthand how hard the struggle with mental health is. I know how hard ones tries. I know the deep desire to be more. Despite this we are left to suffer just a bit more, as if what we go through isn’t enough anguish in our lives. I try not to think about these issues until they are presented to me, right in front of my face, because I can’t deal. I can’t take much more. I am already broken. How much more down and out do I need to be? I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t aspire to be this. I don’t want this.
Day 1 of eldest being back and I am already deeply disappointed. Never trust a drug addict in or out of addiction. Never trust a liar. My anxiety is going wild at the moment and my already shattered heart has turned black. I am not sure why I still allow myself to be hopeful, the disappointments are very painful.
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