Day 530 - May 25, 2023

Happy Birthday Beary!

I have to go back to hiding my emotions and keeping everything in. I gotta find the numbness. I am hurting and fucking up so many people with my constant sadness, anxiety etc.

My kids 28^th birthday started out with her having an emotional breakdown. She is holding the weight of my illness, her sister’s addiction, her other sister shutting down, her father and his family upon herself. She doesn’t want anyone to know its her special day and that kills me! She deserves to feel so special, cherished and loved today and everyday. She has been trying so hard to hold it all together and now it is breaking her.

I must find a way to numb everything inside of me. I CAN NOT hurt my children anymore than I have already. “Everyday is sadness” she said. She is right! It’s fucked every damn day. Some way worse than others. I took an Ativan. My cousin got up after having a great sleep. (She missed my total meltdown) and I never looked at her at all. I spoke but never really invested. She had to go home today and has no idea of the morning I have been through. That’s step 1 in hiding.

I am seeing this probably can not be fixed for me and I can not take everyone down with me. I will try to be honest with my journal and hope that is enough.  My family is beyond broken and it hurts so friggin much, but I will do whatever it takes for my children. If it means faking it then here I go. This could very well be my last shot of survival and that is my main goal for me. Happiness for my children and survival for me.

Just for the record went to bed last night at around 3:30 was awake again at 5am and finally got up at 6:30am.

I am angry!

I couldn’t leave this fucking house even if I wanted to, gas isn’t free.  Today is also the day $70 worth of payments come out and will be returned NSF charging me $96. This is the cycle every second Thursday. Fun! I just logged into the bank and paid $25 (well account is overdrawn that now) and did stop payments on those couple payments. Cheaper in the long run.  What now?

Managing Worry: Exercise 1 – The Container

• If self-soothing doesn’t get rid of your anxiety, then try this exercise to contain your worry:
• Visualize a container sitting in front of you, ready to hold all of your worry.
• Mentally list an immediate worry, then visualize putting that worry into the box.
• Repeat with every worry that comes to mind. Give the worry a name, then give it to the box.
• Visualize putting a lid on the container.
• Then visualize putting the container on a shelf.
• Now that your worries are contained, invite your mind to focus on something peaceful, pleasant, or productive.

Did above exercise and then TIPP. The iced water never felt as good as normal. It did slow me down a bit however, so that was good. Sitting on 2 fans today and am going to numb myself with weed (vape). Haven’t got a thing to lose today but there is much to be gained.

Addicted daughter text me to see if she could come by and pick up some clothes and I responded with “yup”. That’s all I got to give her right now. I won't type anymore on that cause the tears are swelling, and I am pushing it aside for now. (she never did show up)