Can’t even remember what time I went to bed last night. It was late. I got up at 9:20 after a phone call from ScotiaBank woke me. Those people are going to push me over the edge. They call constantly on a regular basis. I gave up answering as I already explained I have no money and no way to pay. I told em to come take the damn car. I can not do anything more than that at the present time. They called 4 times yesterday alone! How the fuck am I supposed to not stress or have anxiety? Oh look they are calling again!
I started this day with a dip (TIPP) lets see what that does for me today.
Odd pain in top of right foot. Tender to touch or move. It is up by toes. Almost feels like a break maybe or internal bruising. I don’t recall hitting it but then again, I do stub it often so it may not be a big deal.
As I scroll through facbook I see posts about my cousins upcoming wedding, and it triggers my anxiety. I would love to be able to go however, outside of her immediate family I don’t feel much a part of our extended family. My own siblings included. I feel like I don’t belong. Tears flowing again now. Damn it! I wanted a numb day away from all the shit in my life. I seriously don’t see anything changing in my life anytime soon if ever. I feel like I am at the depths of despair. I am trying to climb out, but I take 3 steps up the latter then I fall back 5 or 6 steps. Can never get out that way. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! (that’s me screaming my head off) I am also so angry If I gave into the anger building inside me now I would limb this place.
Broken! Sad to the depths of my being. Took lil bit for a coffee to try to lighten her and my mood. Tried to roll down window for dog “NO” tried to give dog her timbit treat “NO”, this stirred the feelings, and I held back tears so as she could not see my cry. Remember I am hiding things from now on. Got home went outside to smoke and cried until BC daughter facetimed me and I had to suck it up. Eventually had to let her go cause the tears wanted to come and I was fearful I couldn’t hide it. So here I am tears flowing like a river. This is the life!
Was relaxing playing a game with daughter in BC when I was notified drug addicted daughter was out and about using again. My heart sinks every time. Why do I get hopeful? I know better and the words spew out my mouth like I know but when it becomes reality it really, really hurts. Just took an Ativan trying to ward off what I feel could end up to a hospital visit for me. Instead of progressively better I am getting progressively worse. My whole body is shaking. I can barely type this. Put fan directly on face and practiced breathing. Reduced minutely. I am still shaking and weighed down with the weight in my stomach.
Ok just got a call that apparently, she isn’t using she is just having “a couple beer”. Still shows how uninterested she is in recovery…ZERO interest! She will be back at it tonight I am guessing the latest tomorrow. This is all so fucked. Every nerve in my body is on edge. The rollercoaster of emotions …….FUCK!!!
So it is 4am and I just got word that she has been picked up and is a little drunk but no drugs. She is safe for another night!
Now I can get into sleep mode.
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