This is what occurred this week, my feelings about it and the struggles that show up each and every day.
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My occupational therapist went to the Food Bank for me. While it was needed, desperately , it made me feel bad, guilty, not deserving, more food than I have purchased all summer combined. I am grateful but can not control the other feelings that take over.
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This week also provided us with a news story of teacher who assaulted people and the big push on the "journey project" and for anyone who may be affected even indirectly to reach out. Where was this cry and out pour when it was us? There was no offer of help. We got nothing only blacklisted. I was angry, hurt, distraught, felt yet again that I am undeserving, not important enough for anyone to care or want to help. My daughter and I have been left to suffer alone.
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RNC showed up at my door. ( just dropping off paperwork for eldest) I was literally terrified, anxiety, shaking/trembling, weak, fear. It was nothing serious or worth feeling those ways but that is what I felt. The officer was worried about me asked several times if I was OK. I felt like I was going to drop to the floor. Had to take an Ativan to recover.
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This week also provided me with an unexpected text message from a skating mom. It was the first communication I have recieved from her since Nov 2019. She was also team our abuser. She ha the nerve to contact me because she is raising funds for her daughter to continue her skating journey. I cant even go into the feelings this brings within me. It is to hard!
I did work on my diamond art 6 days in a row, just in small intervals but it has been consistent. I also got on my bike 5 out of 6 days, different lengths of time but set myself a record of 5.1km in 15 minutes. I wasn't going to get on my bike today as I am not feeling it, I hurt all over and lack energy but I pushed through on got on. Done 2.5km in 7 minutes. The worst part of the bike is the seat hurts so bad.
Dreaming is picking up again. Most often involve me being overwhelmed and struggling.
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