I just cant seem to get over myself. I am sick of it! To exhausted, to tired, unmotivated, lacking physical and mental energy to do anything. I get mad at myself. I try the tips and tools I am learning. My brain is all over the damn place. Avoidance is a HUGE part of every aspect of my life currently. Maybe that explains this. Unlocking my brain makes me think and feel and it hurts so much that I numb out and avoid. Unfortunately doing so numbs out not only emotions but everything. So I am starting to understand the madness I just wish I could fix it. Just going through the motions of living is not actually living at all.
I was triggered bad today while watching television. The show I was watching mentioned something about a child having bruising on their ears and bought me right back to the time my brother and mother called child services on me. ( 25 years ago) When the 2 workers showed up they mentioned that my daughter had a bruise on her ear. Just typing this brings me so much pain. I never once hurt my children. I did not know she had a bruise and have no idea where it came from. My daughter didn't know either as each time she was asked she would say something different. Meanwhile she was a 4 year old child who days before had clothes pins hanging off every part of her. Kids will be kids! The fact that my family tried to get my kids taken from me without as much of a mention or offer to help me is insane, and hurt me to the core of my being. Just another thing within my family that got buried and never mentioned. It still lives...... inside me.
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