I was up again this morning before 9 am. Sleep has become my enemy yet again. I had been putting off doing the “things” (dishes, laundry etc) all week so I got at it this morning. I realize now why I hate doing the “things”. My mind races with thoughts and in doing so it stirs such raw emotion. I was going to write this journal entry and focus on one certain event and then the thoughts went from one to another to another. So here I am. I decided instead to just touch some of the traumatic events that doing the “things” have bought to the surface this morning.
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I have had 2 black eyes (that I remember in my life) both from people who were supposed to love and protect me. The first one came from my mother when I was a teenager and the other from the girls dad.
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I have had the police show up to my house in the middle of the night because they received a 911 call that my daughter was going to unalive herself.
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My cousin who was deeply troubled stayed with me for almost a year while she was dealing with her own mental health and addictions. I was afraid for my life during this time. She was so out of control and suicidal.
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I answered a knock on the door as a child during the holidays and was faced with a gun pointed right at me.
I hope that someday I can go through these lists and give detailed accounts of these incidents. They are not listed in any particular order. they are listed as they come to the surface.
I am currently 8 weeks into a 10 week Mental Health Wellness group therapy. Week 5 was on values and for some reason that hit VERY hard. I am still stuck there 3 weeks later. However this week we focused on self compassion and self care. Boy this one makes me so effing angry. I also hope that one day I can bring those feeling to paper and gain a better understanding of why it makes me so mad.
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