I truly believe this mental health journey has me a bit confused, or maybe it has opened my mind up. I am having a very difficult time determining if I am doing something because I WANT to do it, or if I am doing it because I HAVE to do it. There is a difference and a big one. As a people pleaser. I have spent most of my life doing what I thought made others happy, what was expected of me. I put everyone before myself, on all levels and now that it is time to focus on me I am totally lost. Anyone who knows me knows I have always been a lover of Christmas. I decorated early, I felt the spirit, I watched all the movies, I bought all the gifts, I dug out my wool and needles and crochet hooks. Last year I couldn't. I just didn't feel anything let alone Christmas. Not one movie, not one knitting or crochet project, not one decoration. As we approach this again now I still can't. I am trying but I am not feeling it at all. I have attempted (many times) to dig out the wool and hooks, even had them sitting next to me, and just can not do it. I have zero desire to watch anything to do with Christmas and can not even think about digging out and putting up a tree. Everything I once enjoyed has left me. I am not who I once was. I am dead inside. I can't even fake it. I have children, adult ones, but they love Christmas all thanks to me. I made it magical and special and now I am dulling that sparkle for them. I currently sit with a pattern for a crochet stocking on my screen, it is pretty and I would like to be able to make one each for the girls. Next step today is to take out the proper hook and wool in hope that if I see it enough I may just get it started. Baby steps.......
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