Today started out OK. I woke had my coffee and tried to get in the mindset of doing something, anything. The guilt of not preparing for Christmas is weighing on me heavily. I put my favorite Christmas scent in my wax warmer and as the smell filled the space that surrounded me I started thinking that maybe I could just dig through the closet and get the boxes out. Before I had a chance to make that a reality there was a knock at my door. I opened it to see a police officer holding papers in his hand. I knew right away what it was and the anxiety started to build. I was right! It was subpoenas for both my youngest daughter and myself. Receiving these means things are getting real. We are set for trial from January 15 – 24. This nightmare began on that early January day in 2021 and we are only getting to deal with it 3 years later. I am a mess. The first thing I wanted to do when the officer left was crumble in a pile on the floor. I am falling apart inside but have to try and hold it together for my daughter. I wanted to share this news with someone, to pick up a phone and tell someone, to message and tell someone. I have no one! I feel so alone. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I am having a VERY hard time dealing with all of this and I do not know how to deal with it. Needless to say anything Christmas is off the table for now, as my efforts are in holding myself together until I get the space to fall apart. Seems weird to say I have no one yet I need to keep my emotions in check until I am alone. My daughter is here with me and she received the same news today. I can not even ask her how she is feeling because I fear discussing this with her will cause me to lose my mind. I am sure this is VERY rough for her too and I hate that I can not be the one she goes to about it.
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