I am struggling today. Have been since yesterday. It goes between deep bouts of depression and anxiety. I am still processing what happened yesterday in therapy. I have no motivation or energy. I slept maybe 2 hours last night. I know the lack of sleep is not helpful and I hate it.
Anxiety has been building this evening with the thoughts of Christmas. I try to make myself “feel” it and just can not get there. Then the guilt gets me. I feel like I should be able to get on with it and at the very least fake it. I just can not seem to get there at all. I did do some work on depression yesterday and do feel it is with me every minute of every day. There is no joy in my life let alone finding it for Christmas. I go between numb to extreme pain to sadness with the brick in stomach anxiety thrown in between. I do not know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I thought therapy was supposed to be helpful and now I feel like I have been left to fend for myself. Yet again I get the message of no one cares. It is all smoke and mirrors. I will never be perfect and if that is what it takes to get help then I am stuck in this place forever.
I am not ready to give up yet. There has to be more. So I will try to keep processing for the next while and see if I can figure it out.
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