January 1, 2024

I have been here pondering writing an end of year thing but the anxiety that comes with it consumes me. It has been days and I just could not do it. Today I force myself . As this new year begins I can only hope for a better year. I want this year to be less filled with anxiety, sadness, pain and self doubt. I want to be stronger mentally and physically. All this being said I know in 2 short weeks we head into a trial that, while we have waited 3 years for this, will bring up all the feelings, emotions and all else that will come with it. I am not going to dwell on that today.

Today I am going to tell the little girl in this picture that she deserved more. She is more and I will try my hardest to ensure she becomes more. I stumbled on this picture over the holidays. I can see the pain and sadness in this child's eyes. It reflects the same pain and sadness I feel now as an adult. She did deserve so much more than the cards she was dealt. She may have been extra needy but being labelled as trouble and crooked at such a young age did not help her self esteem one little bit. She was just a precious baby for God sake. I often wonder how much this little girl seen and heard. I wonder what happened that hurt her so badly. I can feel it deep inside me but have not pinpointed exactly what at this point. She deserved so much love. She deserved to feel so damn special. She deserved to feel wanted. She deserved to feel safe and she deserved to be free to play and sing and dance. Those beautiful eyes deserved to be sparkling with joy. This beautiful baby girl does not scream any of this to me. This year, if I do not accomplish anything else, I want to heal her.