I have written this entry so many times, in my head, and always it starts off with I have been bad. Well here I am today starting by saying I AM NOT BAD. I have just been working hard. VERY HARD. From the outside you may see me, sitting in my piles of mess and disorganization, doing absolutely nothing. It may look like I am unkempt and that I have slept in my clothes for a week but let me tell you healing is hard. It is mentally and emotionally draining. The pain still comes, out of nowhere and it hurts. Tears still flow and more often than not I have no energy or motivation. This is all part of healing. I would be lying if I did not admit to wanting to quit occasionally. Yet here I am plugging away.
I found myself a couple of great books that I have been skimming through. I firmly believe they will help save my life! I am learning so much about why I am the way I am, how I got here and that I HAVE to go through this pain to come out the other side. I do BELIEVE it is possible. I UNDERSTAND that in saying that, it will take time, that it could take every last day I have on this earth. Yet with each day I face what I am. Today it is sadness, my entire being feels blah. I am not tired however, so that is good. I tried skimming and reading and I am just not feeling that today. I played a couple games and wasn't feeling that either. So I took this opportunity to write.
I want to gut my room to the bare bones and start over. I want to have a “zen” space for me to unwind, relax, reflect and heal. I have ideas in my head, I just need to get at it. That being said it does not help my situation when the pain in my knees limits my every move. That gets depressing.
Anyway, know I am alive, still working on myself, and still have not ventured to the outside world. Lil bit is however, gone off with a friend for the afternoon. That is so good for her, she needs to be getting out, she wants to be getting out but unfortunately she is very limited as well.
We will see better days, I just know it. Our story won't end here.
On a side note court case is on the docket for September 9. I am not even sure at this point what is planned to happen that day. I just wish it was done, because I am sure being able to heal from that crap shoot will be helpful in moving forward.
Oh and I did start to crochet but then the weekend came and then something else and then the books. I will get back at it...eventually.
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