Just an Afterthought

December 16, 2024

I may be acting a bit “dramatic” or my negative self thoughts are taking over my brain but whatever it is I feel the way I feel. I am hurting. I feel like no one cares. NOT ONE PERSON! I feel so alone. I am understanding more each day why I choose not to let people in and why I would rather keep to myself, to trust no one and expect NOTHING from anyone. You see last week my second youngest came “home” for Christmas. I tried not to excite myself over this but she is my baby girl, whom I only get to see a couple times a year, my heart was singing with joy and excitement. I think this is a natural response from a momma about her babies. I knew though it would not be what I had hoped. I knew she would get back in the province and go to her eldest sisters house, just like last Christmas. I also knew that lil bit would be spending time there with her sisters as well. They all stopped in the day after her arrival for a few minutes. Then the following day they came to drop lil bit off. They stayed about 10 minutes or so. I was suffering a rare migraine and was very sick that day but I made myself present. Eldest asked me if I wanted some roast beef dinner for supper and of course I was thrilled to accept. She said they would drop it to me later in the evening. As soon as they left Lil bit started telling me everything I did wrong in regards to looking after her pets, placement of her portable heater, ordering groceries etc... I went to bed. Honestly, I needed to be in bed anyway because I could not handle any light. When I got up later that night Lil bit was gone again and I had a text from eldest daughter saying my food was in the fridge. ( It was delicious.) The following day I spent in bed still fighting the migraine. Not once did either of the girls reach out to me to see if I was ok or if I needed anything. That is until it was time for the animals to be fed. I got a text then asking me to feed the pets. Of course I obliged. I haven't seen or heard from them all weekend. I could be dead in the bed and no one would care. Am I expecting to much? I beat myself up and blame the hurt on myself because I should know better than to expect anything. I don't even think I expect much. Check in with me. They don't even have to be here physically. Last evening, 4 days since I spoke to her, my eldest text me to say “you are welcome to come over whenever you want”. I want to be thankful she invited me. I want to be grateful that she thought about me. Instead I feel like an afterthought!

They do not get my illness. Let me explain why it is difficult for me to go:

• • My knees. They are bad and they hurt. I have them elevated in a reclining chair most of the day. I can not sit in a regular chair for hours at a time.

  • I do not have my own car. I know someone can drive me if and when I want to go. For most that sounds reasonable but for me it feels like I am stuck, trapped and I have no way out. As silly as it sounds that is how it is for me.

  • I feel useless, like I am in the way and unwanted by them. I see the eye rolls, the sighs and looks when I ask them to get me something. I am losing my independence bit by bit as it is and I do not need to feel any worse about it.

  • I am just not mentally ready for that yet. They can not accept that and make me feel like I am being difficult or stupid or dumb. While all of this may be exactly that, it is what it is. Anxiety is NOT fun for me. PAIN is not fun for me. Being a BURDEN is not fun for me.

So here I sit in tears wishing they could understand, longing to feel important and wanting to be cared about. That too don't seem like a big ask but apparently it is to much.