Went to bed at 2am was up again at 4:30
This morning when I went to my daughter’s room, to make sure she was awake for her class. I realized that doing so was a big anxiety trigger. I am ALWAYS afraid I am going to open her door and find her dead by suicide. This is a big burden/fear I carry with me ALL THE TIME.
So tired today! Took a nap from 11am until 3:30pm then back to bed at 5pm and up at 8:15pm
How am I supposed to heal when I am so damaged and broken? Was just on facetime with 2 of my daughters, one got very short with me and had an attitude all because I apparently said something the wrong way. Tears immediately started to flow, and I could feel myself shutting down. It is like sucking everything in, deep within myself. Another daughter who lives here has a friend over and they are in her room, when voices get loud anxiety takes over me. It is a tension and fear that I can not explain. This also explains when I say I just do not know how to act, what to say or when to say it. It contributes to me withdrawing. I am fighting to not completely go silent, but I am getting closer and closer to just shutting completely down. That scares me because at that point who is to say I can ever bounce back.
I am longing for peace!
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