Past couple days have been tough, real tough, the worst ones to date. But I am not a quitter although I fear I am getting closer to quitting. For now, I fight. I fight hard as this is not the life I want. I did not sleep again last night, I tried several times but my brain is wide awake ALL THE TIME. This morning I decided to try and explain to my children what is going on with me. I did not want any of them to feel blame for my current state, I did not want to scare them, I wanted them to understand how fragile I am and that I need them to support me and help me.
Here is the letter I shared with them:
Hello My Beautiful Babies,
I am not well mentally right now and am currently doing everything I can to get over this bump in the road. (Even if you don’t see it) Let me start by making it clear that this is no ones fault so please don’t place blame on each other or yourselves. Be kind to each other and please have patience with me.
Let me start by explaining in a way we can all understand. Remember over the years all the dressers we have had where they would get so stuffed that the bottoms would start falling out? Well, the ass fell outta my drawer. I have spent my life stuffing all my feelings, emotions, hurts and pain in that drawer. Never facing or dealing with them. After 54 years there is no more room. I need to rebuild my drawer and I need help.
Here is what I currently need:
- To be loved even if I push you away.
- Kindness please be gentle with me even if you think I am being stupid. I literally can not deal with anything negative at this time. I am fragile.
- Support (an adda boy occasionally even for getting out of bed can be beneficial.)
- I am completely overwhelmed and the simplest of tasks are like moving mountains for me. Please, please help me where and whenever you are able,
I also beg you all to realize that mental health is as important or more important than physical health. NEVER be ashamed of needing or seeking help. Therapy can be very helpful and please seek it out whenever needed and do not end up where I currently am. This is the most pain I have felt in my life, and I love you all way to, much to imagine you ever having to feel this way. Acknowledge your feelings, they are yours, you own them and therefore they aren’t wrong no matter what anyone else might say.
Together we will get through this.
I love you all.
xoxoxoxo
Took daughter to her class after sending this letter. Anxiety was high, for the most part, as it is every time I take her. I still wonder if the subconscious is the reason I never sleep the night before she has class.
Tried dealing with some work stuff when I got home only to find out it seems I have been terminated from my job. This is very helpful for someone in a mental health crisis! Also checked in on the status of my EI claim - still under review - again very helpful for someone in a mental health crisis with payments due this week. I don’t have what it takes to fight these entities. Just surviving myself each day is more than I can deal with at this point. I really fear bottoming out. I need peace and calm to heal and am unsure I will be able to ever have this. Shit piling up is not helpful.
Went to bed around 1pm and I finally had a good sleep! Got up at 10:30pm still exhausted, mentally tired, and some body pain as a result but I slept.
Youngest daughter is in a crisis of her own tonight, she doesn’t want to talk about it, she is crying, and here comes my friend anxiety. I am not faulting her for this, but this is the life I live on a regular basis, and it is impossible for me to have peace and calm. No sleep tonight because I will be full or fear and dread about suicide. Her not me! So now I have to try and burry everything of my own again and be strong and supportive for her. I am not sure I have it in me to be honest. WHY???? Why is this how I have to live, I don’t want it. I didn’t ask for this, but it feels like I am getting what I deserve just not sure why I deserve this much punishment.
Guess my letter to the kids did not work. Perhaps it backfired. 2nd oldest daughter just texted in our family group chat that she is sad and turning her phone on do not disturb and going to just be sad. Peace? Maybe there is no such thing, but my brain needs rest. How loud must I scream it MY BRAIN NEEDS REST! My brain needs a break but oh no just when I think I am on the right path BANG more shit tries to pile in. I say tries because the is literally no where for it to go.
HELP
I have thoughts, thoughts no one let alone a mother should ever have. They have popped into my mind a couple times since my illness has reared its ugly head. they are so bad I wont dare put them into words in print. I don’t plan to act on them or plan to do them, but I have thought them. I scares me that I am capable of even thinking this. Maybe I am a monster.
I prayed, I prayed hard, I begged for the good Lord to comfort my baby in a time I can not. Within a half hour she came out of her room, had something to eat and sat for a bit and was feeling better. Finally, something positive.
Thank you Lord!
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