I feel like such a fraud. I have all these ideas in my mind, things I can do, change of pace. I've made lists even, but reality is I won’t do them. They are just thoughts like everything else. I know I am only fooling myself so why then do I even think about these things to do?
I am so tired slept for about 1 ½ to 2 hours on the couch last night. Did consider going to bed but whenever I reclined heartburn came. Always something and I swear I am not making this shit up despite my feeling like a fraud. Tongue which was really sore is doing much better but now the inside of my upper lip is sore, you would swear I had braces on that was tearing up my mouth. Reality is I can/ could deal with that if it weren’t on top of everything else.
Despite the extreme lack of sleep I managed to make breakfast today (at noon) and have put a load of clothes in the wash as I plan to shower at some point today. We shall see how that goes.
Had a couple puffs off of a weed pen early afternoon. Watched synchronized skating competition and immediately began seeing all the negative. Then I decided I am not going to do that, everything I first thought negative about I was going to find the positive and I did, and it felt good! The realist in me knows this may not last but I am going to accept it for what it is for now. I wont make a promise to myself but I am going to try and make a conscious effort to find the positive in anything that presents to me as negative.
I am more relaxed than I have been for a long time. Is it the Meds? Is it the weed pen? Is it a combination of both? Time will tell but I am going to enjoy these moments.
Been watching some videos about childhood trauma past few days. I really think that is where I need to begin. I am certain this is just the beginning but it is a start. I also find guilt showing up at the thoughts that I done some of these things to my precious babies. I do want to believe that as a single parent of 4 I done good. I made many mistakes along the way and wish I had done some things differently but overall I believe I done okay.
Some phrases from these videos that resonated with me are:
- Grieving about the lack of stability and consistency while holding parents accountable
- Domestically chaotic
- Fiercely independent to protect myself.
- Emotionally in transit
- Set up for toxic loyalty being thought that one parent was bad.
- Aggressor and Codependent parents
- BIG BODY RESPONSE TO
OMG I had so much written up here and I don’t know what I done but I lost it ..frustrating!
I can’t do it all again but in a nutshell.
- Watching videos
- Thoughts and memories go crazy in my mind randomly.
- I feel they are helpful yet painful but needed.
- I understand this (my mental health) won’t be a quick fix and may never be a full fix.
- Tears fell randomly at a thought that I just want to love my sister (not sure where that came from)
Sitting here window shopping and random thoughts come in my head because something I see reminds me of something. Seen a keychain with the word asshole on it and the memories of how my brother always called me asshole came to surface. Not in as he got mad and called me that it was what he used instead of my name. “asshole you are wanted on the phone” echoed through the house many, many times. That name only left when he had his first son. When he started talking, he called me “aut titi” and a new name sprung from his lips.
- I am the Family burden
- Fixer
- Peacekeeper
Unfinished business - Things to Ponder
- You set me up to hate the real me and second guess myself
- What are some ways your parents didn’t even know you
- What's the rest of you that they couldn’t see – outside of that role
- What was that role for
- How might they talk about you
- Dysfunctional Soothing
- How do you deal with your feelings
- Set me up to let myself go
- What is my unhealthy go to for dealing with my feelings
- How did I learn that in childhood
- How did my parents deal with their feelings
- What is the opposite of my unhealthy go to
- Children who are acting out in pain are seeking love and care from parents
- Our inner child is still doing that …seeking a healthy loving adult
- That adult is going to be you – The healthy inner adult
****Interpreting accountability as parent blaming is just noise from those who don’t get the impact of horrific child abuse. ****
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