What a sleep I had! Daughter sat with me last night she played her game and I mine while we watched tv and chatted. We made a plan to try to start scheduling ourselves. I had a nighty night tea with valerian and took my Ativan about 10:30pm with the plan to go to bed at midnight. Ended up in bed at 12:30am. Not bad. Got in bed in darkness and the brain started going I was fighting it and thought I’d have to get up but did fall off eventually. Never woke anymore until 8am but decided I could sleep for another hour and went back to sleep and stayed there until 12pm.
Yesterday my therapist asked me a couple questions, one I realized I never answered at all, because of shame and embarrassment. He asked me what a typical day for me looked like. I didn’t want to say I sit on my ass and do nothing. That sounds really bad, but it is what it is. Then I wonder what the difference of that and someone who is in bed all day is. So, I decided that I would start journaling my days more fully for a bit so as I can finally answer that question at our session next week.
I got up made my bed, made coffee, opened curtains and used bathroom while coffee brewed. I checked on my plants and sat down to read the news, browsed Facebook, watched a video, and journaled.
I did go through Facebook last night and deleted people who trigger me. It was hard. I spent so much time with these people, they were my friends and confidants for years. I watched their children grow and I know these kids have important events coming up and I’d love to see the pictures and accomplishments, but I just can’t anymore, it is way to hard.
Despite all the sleep I am yawning and so tired. Exhausted! I made another coffee to try and kickstart this day even if it is 2pm. (ended up only drinking half of it) If the coffee does not work, I will be fighting going back to bed because at this moment that is what I feel like doing. My kitchen needs cleaned, dishwasher unloaded and reloaded. I have a goal of cleaning the bathroom today. Lil bit and I were also supposed to be sitting outside this morning and drinking coffee. If there is anything I have learned through all of this is that I WILL NOT beat myself up over things I can not do. Tomorrow is a new day, and I can always try again.
Sat and chatted with lil bit, we went through some old clothes to give to a young girl upstairs. I washed the clothes (dried and folded) before donating. I cooked bacon and eggs around 4pm.
Played a couple of games online (best fiends and catan). Had a facetime chat with my daughter in BC. Lil bit and I hung out and watched the voice, had snacks, and played our games. We had tea around 10pm and I took my Ativan at 10:30pm. I am hoping to keep myself on this schedule for bedtime.
** did check my plants several times throughout the day **
Haven’t really felt a lot today. Tired, and numb basically, no real emotion pushing through.
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