Had another great night sleep. Went to bed at 12:40am. First woke at 5:30am and managed to go back to sleep until 11:30 am. Got up, made my bed, opened curtains, put on coffee, used bathroom, and sat down with coffee and read news. Then decided to check plants and spray water them. Dropped the water bottle (plastic) and it shattered and water went everywhere. I instantly became angry and defeated. I was in a mood, a very bad one after that. Made another coffee and decided it was best for me to say eff this day and go back to bed. Ughhhhhhhhhhh! I hate this all so much. Peace; I long for peace and calm.
I didn’t go back to bed. I want to but am fighting it. My mind is muddled with thoughts. It is graduation day for the kids “out the bay” 2 of my godchildren, kids we grew up with when we lived out there. Friends’ children. I am seeing the pictures hit Facebook and I cry; I cry from the depths of my being because my baby girl did not have this special day. She could have but she opted out. I can not help but wonder if things happened differently for her would she have been proud to attend. Its another thing that has been taken from her/us by a monster. I try not to dwell on what he has taken from us, yet it is very hard not to. Our entire lives have changed. We have changed. We will never be who we were before. Now we must learn who we are now and how to live this different life. I feel like we have been punished for his actions. We are the ones who are losing out on life. Is he? I certainly doubt it but am hopeful that in the future during trial it catches him. His fun and games and big shot ways will be spent behind bars. I am doubtful of that too since our justice system is more messed up than my brain. Fuck Him!
I cry and cry. I spent 2 hours cleaning, crying the entire time. While I reached the 2-hour goal I set for myself I don’t feel it is clean here. No matter how hard I try and how much I do I never feel it is enough. I thought my meds may have been helping a bit until today, all I can and want to do is cry. I feel if I gave in, I would cry for forever. I feel pain deep inside me not sure what it is from. It hurts so much today. I just want to be better and live a fulfilling life.
I think about why I am here. I think about how damn hard I am trying. I think about all the things I have been doing. I think about agreeing to things that make me feel totally degraded, ashamed and embarrassed. Yet here I sit in pain, total sadness, alone, tired, and wonder what exactly I am trying for. Maybe being numb and feeling nothing is better. Living life like a robot certainly isn’t worse.
How did I get here?
Big waves of anxiety this evening I am trying everything to gain control and not let anxiety win.
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