Before I was born, I felt unwanted.

RANDOM WRITINGS:

Before I was born, I felt unwanted.

Second baby of a mother married to an abusive alcoholic. Already has a toddler, with a medical issue/disability, to protect and raise in a hostile environment, alone. She had spent her first Christmas as a parent on her own with her precious baby because my father decided to spend Christmas eve night at his buddies drinking. Sounds kind of single mannish to me.

My instinct is that I can’t blame mom, but I need to. I can blame her! She is the one who was supposed to be nurturing me in the womb and hated me at times before I was born. I can feel it, her grabbing and punching her stomach. She was hurt and angry, she felt very unloved and often alone. Overwhelmed. Stressed. I get it I really do I lived it, twice. Once inside the womb and once when I was raising my own children.

You had choices, and I get it is hard, and I get the religious part, and I get the try harder, shut your mouth…I GET IT! I get it because you taught it to me! Even when I knew better, I knew I wanted to get out, I knew I HAD to get out.  I reached out to my mommy, as I suspect any young woman, who was fortunate enough to still have a mom, would naturally do. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise when the advice I was given was that I needed to try harder, bite my tongue and learn to shut my mouth.

 I got punched in the face and given a black eye when my first baby was 3 months old while I held her in my arms for God’s sake! My 2 cousins were right there with me. They were still little children then. That was ok with you. I had a friend’s husband not go home after a card night because he was afraid if I was left alone, HE would kill me.  Nahh that’s ok too. I went back to school right after having baby #3. HE was ok with that until HE wasn’t. I came home one night from working on a group project, I had called many times throughout the evening, but I knew, I just knew, I was going to be in trouble. (an almost 30 year old, mother of 3, afraid of being in trouble) I pulled in the driveway, lights in the house all off. Walked in and HE had been sitting in the dark for hours, like a madman, waiting for me to get home. It was like something out of a horror movie. I didn’t know if I would live that night. But that just meant if I survived, I SHOULD TRY HARDER RIGHT MOM?

I didn’t realize then how easy it was going to be to leave when what was best for my children came into play. My little Beary came to me one day with that sweet precious face of hers and said “mommy bemember when da pushed you to the wall and made you bleed”. I knew this had to stop. So, you see mom I done what was best for my children. I was already damaged from my childhood, so I knew I didn’t matter, you told me to stay and let someone hurt me, physically and mentally. I was reassured I didn’t matter but mom MY CHILDREN MATTERED! I protected them. I saved them from having THAT life. Why didn’t you mom? Why did you not protect us. Did you not trust yourself? You were doing it all alone anyway. Did you love us mom?  I realize you may have been damaged going into your marriage, but why did you stay and became more damaged? I know why! It was because of your God and your beliefs, you stayed.

That’s kind of selfish even if I consider your reasoning. The church (and your parents) made you believe you had to stay married, or it was a sin, and you wouldn’t go to heaven, so you chose to stay. Offering all your pain up for your sins. Making a sacrifice. What about us mom?  You sacrificed us! I know we are all different and it isn’t my place to judge but I would go straight to the flames of hell to save my children. That’s a sacrifice I’d be willing to take for my girls. 4 souls for 1. Sounds like a fine deal! Who knows had you left you may have saved dads and your own. That would be 7 souls saved. I believe, in your world, that is success. One step closer to heaven for you while your child/ren/grandchild/ren are living/have lived a life of torture and a type of hell on earth.

You taught us that GOD was above everyone else alright. How did that work for ya?

I feel like I have spent all my adult life explaining my relationship with God to you. It was the only thing about me or not about me that you were interested in. That is, of course, if I shared YOUR thoughts. Having my own was wrong and punishable. I don’t mean physical punishment, but the punishment of feeling less. Feeling bad, evil, the devil got me, unworthy, disowned, bad, bad, bad. I do not have to explain myself to you. I am an adult. My relationship with God or lack there of is MINE! It is not just another thing you can judge. These beliefs mom, I always said they did something for you but did they? Really? You lived a miserable life, your children have hidden/buried traumas, always feeling emotionally in transit.

Sometimes I blame God mom. He took away your ability to be an amazing mom. I seen the love and dedication and devotion you gave Him. Why couldn’t you give that to me? He took away any hope of happy childhood memories. He always had to come before anything no matter the cost. You let Him mom! How? Why? I promise mom, a forgiving and loving God would not want a little child to suffer ANY pain or hurt. He would hurt and feel the intense emotions himself. He would want to smile down upon happy children. His heart aches for them to be singing and dancing and smiling. Enjoying all life has to offer and living the only life they have to their best potential. Was it him though? Or was it the “church” – organized religion? Is it possible for God to be outside the Church? Open your mind a bit mom. Look around. You taught us that God isn’t against us. You taught us that!  You also taught us that God forgives. I hope he forgives me for hurting you and my children. I am hoping this adventure I am on helps me find the forgiveness I need to find. Keeping in mind that all things CAN NOT be forgiven. If I am wrong on that, so be it. Not the first time my thoughts or beliefs were made out to be wrong.  

It makes me sad to say this to you mom. It hurts and causes me inner conflict. I want to say but BUT there are no more buts mom. I am trying to take accountability for the damage my trauma caused my own beautiful children.  This is my new beginning. I’m finding me and healing MY family.