I haven’t been writing much lately it has been unusually busy here. Drug addicted daughter is doing well (for now) and has been spending some time here. Second youngest is home for 5 days. She is not staying here but did spend the night on Monday. It was so nice to see 3 of my girls together and happy. It also however made me very sad because there is a hole where the 4th one is still not here. I miss her so much and would give just about anything to get to see her for a bit and hug her. I know it also makes her sad knowing we are all here together while she is not.
I had an OT appointment on Monday (phone call). While up until that point I been doing very little that she has suggested to me I did take heed to some pointers she gave me going forward. Limiting myself on the time I spend doing anything. Set timer for 5 to 10 minutes a task and doing only what I can in that time period. I told her I would have a pile of laundry and my laundry tackled by next week. I am happy to report that the laundry that needed folding has been done and put away today.
I have in person therapy tomorrow and already feel anxiety about it. Therapy is beginning to confuse me and making me second guess more than I normally would. I am not supposed to be looking for approval but I constantly am. I'll mention this to him tomorrow and see what happens from there.
While things are going good now, child wise, I still had to take an Ativan yesterday. Out of nowhere the intense anxiety hit. Sadness hits often too. It is hard to control with people around so much, but I am working through it.
Bank has not stopped calling and its certainly not helping anything.
I get my big $577 tomorrow I owe $300 for May rent and $800 due for June. So, we know where my big bucks are going this month. I am already out of coffee, Pepsi, butter, ketchup, vinegar, and sugar. Most of that is not a MUST to survive so that isn’t so bad. I got a few chicken thighs and stewing beef for meats to get me through the month. I have yeast and flour to make bread so that is good as well. Not sure when I will lose my internet, phone, power, and car but it is only a matter of time. I have no way to pay these bills. I have no earthly way to pay them. I have tried selling off some of my new items I have that are still in boxes and had no luck with that either. Was hoping I could sell those things to get caught up on rent and have a few dollars for food this month. I refuse to go to the food bank! How the hell is my life supposed to get better. I want to be able to go to work and take care of my bills and food and such. I desperately do. I am also desperate to get myself well enough to be able to accomplish that again. Today I did laundry and wrote here. I changed my clothes and washed down counters. That is all I got. I am grateful to have had that.
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