When does one know if therapy or if a certain therapist is right for themselves? I left my in-person session today in a mess. The tears are still flowing. I definitely am not feeling one bit good about myself. The questions are hard, and I often simply don’t have the answer to them. What do I need? That is a loaded question. I honestly don’t know what I need. What do I want? I don’t know. I listed off a couple things that sounded good. That seemed may be the correct answer only to realize I was not saying it because I needed or wanted it I said it because it seemed like the right thing to say. I can not even think for myself at this point. I don’t know what I need!!!!! I just know I don’t want this life every single day. I am feeling down, deep down today. Close to the bottom. Therapy helps me realize how low I am and today I am wondering if it is doing anything at all besides making me more depressed and sadder and useless and……. I don’t think I can continue to do this. If leaving feeling worse than when you went in is the goal it is working. The S word has popped in my head several time this morning, even while in my session. I feel despair and sadness to the depths of my being. I'm not sure I can keep digging out!
My dad came in a dream last night, just a little flash. He walked by the kitchen window outside and was bringing me a coffee. I remember it clear as day and his face was clear. Thanks for the coffee dad.
I then had another dream (flash of me opening door and there was a delivery of groceries by the door.)
Off I go now to have another fucked up day, crying and overthinking and feeling like a useless piece of shit.
Took a 3hr nap this afternoon.
Decided to mix bread cause second youngest is going back home on Saturday and has requested some bread. I put the yeast on to rise and got the mixer ready. When I looked the mixer was smoking. Instead of plugging it in I put it on the burner of the stove and turned stove on. Cord is melted right through. Bye bye mixer you were good the couple times I used you. I am such a dumbass and this behavior scares me. I am losing my mind.
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