Group therapy is hard! I did realize today that while I am nowhere near “better” I have learned and I guess that is something. Besides learning tools to use I am discovering why I am where I am. I feel like bits and pieces are coming to surface and that there is much more to come.
Today after group therapy when I sat outside for a smoke and to gather my thoughts I had a memory. One I did not realize was as painful as it is. When I think of it I have a hard time realizing that was my life, it was real and it did happen to me. The day I left the girls dad. Was a Sunday morning and it was a very rough one. I won't go into all the details here but I remember waiting for the girls dad to go to work. I remember the fear, pure true real fear. I was thinking if I can only stay alive long enough for him to go to work I will finally do it and leave. Pretending everything was somewhat fine with the girls, not wanting to let HIM catch on to my thoughts and being deathly afraid. Even after he left for work and I had made the call for a friend to come rescue me and when she arrived there was fear. Fear he would figure it out and come back and catch me. He had told me many times before that if I tried to leave him with the kids he would kill me and I believed him to be capable. It wasn't talked about after. NO ONE cared! I could write so much more related to this event but this is enough for me to remember and try to process.
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