Sometimes I wonder if I am a lost cause. Just finished with an individual therapy session where I was made to feel like I am failing. I am not doing this recovery properly, or fast enough or good enough. I am sure the therapist did not mean to make me feel that way but he did. If I have learned anything in this process it is that I own my feelings and right now I am back to feeling like I am a complete and utter failure. Later in the session my therapist had my group therapist join. She usually makes me feel a little better and her presence did calm me a little. I left this session today with thoughts of suicide and feeling like a fuck up! I'm left to make a decision on where I want to go from here. Hello??? That is the problem. If I knew what to do and how to do it I would have done it. I needed someone to guide me and encourage me to deal with the hard stuff, pry it outta me if you have to. Right now I don't know what I need or if it is all a waste of effort. This has been so damn hard and now I feel like it was all for nothing.
It really sucks when you are so broken that you do not know how to think or feel for yourself. I have mentioned this before and will write it again, I do not know how to act, or what to do or how to think. I have a hard time distinguishing if I am thinking what I really think or what I am expected to think. Am I doing things because I want to, feel that I need to or that I have to. There is a difference and I often do and think and say what is EXPECTED of me. I NEED to be able to think and do for ME. My brain needs rewiring and I really have no idea if the tools I have learned to date actually help with that.
I just went outside with my coffee and had a smoke. I do my best thinking while outside smoking. I do not smoke much anymore, usually after a hard therapy session and sometimes in the morning when I am having my coffee. This time the thoughts were going to today's session and with honesty. To be completely honest when my therapist made me feel like a failure it hurt! I got angry. I am not sure if that angry was towards myself or towards him. I felt all the emotions stir within me. I wanted to leave the session and run away. I stayed. Is that an accomplishment or another failure on my part. I am very compliant, I am a rule follower to the best of my ability. I am a people pleaser. If I was making myself top priority this morning and doing what I wanted to do I would have left. I am in this situation because of people hurting me over and over and over again. It is irrelevant as to if I allowed them to do so or if it were against my will. It happened. Now my therapist made me feel that way to. So please, someone, tell me how do I move forward when I find myself yet again in a situation where someone I am supposed to trust hurts me and makes me feel less.
He (therapist) wonders why we are at a stand still and not progressing. Let me tell you why I think this happened. Here comes me being honest! In the last year I have had a doctor then I got switched to a Nurse practitioner who then went on maternity leave and was replaced by another Nurse Practitioner. Each time a change was made I've had to share my “story”. I am on my second Social Worker and second Occupational Therapist. I have no idea why they were changed and found out only when the new ones contacted me saying they were now working with me. Again I had to retell my story and am left wondering if the change was something I did or did not do. I am on my 2nd individual therapist. First was only meant to be short term (6 sessions) and I have been in group therapy with another therapist for the last 10 weeks. (retelling my story) During the time with my current therapist I felt that things were going good, for the most part, that is until he would tell me something one week and not mention it at all the next time. For example back when I actually worked through some major anxiety to go into his office and we were discussing finances he convinced me I should go to the food bank. The plan was that he would go with me the following week. I spent a week convincing myself I could do this. To date this has never been mentioned again. I know I could have said something, but the people pleaser in me and my never knowing the right thing to say or do had me let it slide. In reality it sent a message to me that he built me up to do something and then let me down by not remembering. After I lost my car and had to go to virtual therapy sessions I felt a shift. One day he had to take a call because he had his car in the garage. I accepted that. Then we switched from weekly to once every 2 weeks. It was mentioned that he would refer me to the trauma therapy program, another therapist to do EMDR, and at one point when I was talking my dealing with things related to upcoming court case he told me, in honesty, that he did not know how to deal with that and suggested I reach out to the Journey project. None of this ever mentioned again. As group therapy started we switched from 50 minute sessions to 30 minute sessions. During these sessions I noticed he was quite often distracted, looking at his watch (I assume a smart watch) and his computer, eating his snack etc. and I felt I did not have his attention. How can you expect me to be real and honest when little by little this therapist patient relationship is falling into disrepair. Then today happened. I think I need a different therapist. He may think or say I am running away because today was hard and while yes it was, it was also a session that made me think for ME. This is not a sudden decision based solely on today. These thoughts have been entering my mind for a while I just didn't know how to go about saying I wanted someone different. I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings. I did not want to seem unappreciative. Today I realize that I have to work through worrying about how someone else feels and put myself first. Today I decided I need to get the ball rolling on finding a new therapist. I am not sure what that looks like or how to go about it but I will figure it out.
Today I choose me!
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