Existing. That is what I am doing. I get up everyday just to exist. Existing isn't living. When you live you get up each day with a purpose, you choose happiness and do what you need to do to enjoy life. I don't even know what would make me happy, let alone experience it. This is getting old, fast! I just can not seem to function at all lately. I barely functioned before but I feel I am slipping. The pain is not helping. Showering is still a huge problem for me, It has been for a while but lately with the knee issues it is worse. Then I feel ashamed. I beat myself up. How hard is it to go take a shower. Why is there such a mental, physical and emotional block. I understand the concept of depression and how it relates to showering but I still do not get it.
Court is postponed again. I got the email yesterday, read it and closed it out. I am not wanting to deal with that shit either. I should respond but can not be bothered.
I have been on this adventure for so long. I am supposed to be getting all the help, and I am, but it is not helping. What do I need to do to make life even a smidgen better? They say it gets better, when? I do not see any light yet. I am beginning to feel like giving up. When is enough actually enough?
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