I am struggling right now. There I said it! I think I mentioned before how the anger emotion is coming out of me. Is it ever coming out of me and I would not want to be on the receiving end of it. It is ugly, hateful and awful. Not who I want to be. I hate it so much. I do not know how to deal with it. My recent “good” therapist is not consistent and I feel like when ever I need someone, like really need someone, there is no one. Getting a regular appointment with her is proving difficult lately. I am sure in my file it is somehow listed that I am unwilling etc....For fuck sakes I am trying. I have been trying. Fighting my way through the darkest of days, hanging by a thread, begging for help. Like everything else in my life I am not a priority, only an after thought. I am a number and a paycheck. That's it!

However in my hunt to try and help myself desperately feel better, even for a moment, find some helpful information. I will copy (some of it) below and to Shirley thank you. You bought me some time, gave me a little understanding and I will try and give myself some grace.

The Importance of Anger and Rage

By Shirley Davis

May 31, 2022

“Everyone gets angry. Anger is a natural emotion that humanity has plenty of experience with it. When expressed in healthy ways, anger is adaptive and necessary to help us understand, set, and maintain boundaries”.

“Often, survivors are told they should not be angry and ‘just get over it.”

As children, people experiencing CPTSD could not express their emotions healthily, pushing anger and rage deep into their minds. Unfortunately, this anger and rage, when left unexpressed, follow people into adulthood where it turns into depression or many other mental health disorders, including CPTSD (Plate, Bloomberg, et al., 2019).

“For children living in a dysfunctional home, it was frightening and perhaps dangerous to get angry or rage at your parents or caregivers, as it may bring more abuse. You grew up with pent-up anger and rage that needs to be expressed.”

“The five stages of grief, authored by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, came about by her discovering that each person she met is grieving in the same manner, even if the grief was experienced differently.

Denial, depression, anger, bargaining, and acceptance are the five stages of anger. Each has its own characteristics and leads to people accepting their loss and moving on. While Elisabeth Kubler-Ross studied grief related to death, the five stages can apply to healing from complex trauma and complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Survivors of childhood trauma have been through much and lost out on their childhoods, plus the parenting they needed. As you can see in the list of the five stages, anger is a necessary part of the grieving process.

Anger is a natural and normal response to childhood trauma and should never be avoided or trivialized. While one does not want to remain angry for life, it is understandable that a survivor who has experienced and lived through childhood trauma feels angry.”

“If you are feeling deep-seated anger because you are a survivor of childhood trauma and live with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, you can heal. It will take guts, determination, and persistence, but you and I will heal with time”.