I am having a rough day. I sit here and cry and cry. I don't know how to heal from my life. There is so much damage and hurt that I don't know how to heal it. Do you take one thing at a time? Do you just throw it all out? I am at a loss but I am hurting.
I made a HUGE mistake yesterday!
I had stepped out of my comfort zone and got myself a ticket to a virtual psychic medium group meeting. For some reason I stumbled upon it, was drawn to it and went immediately, without giving it much thought, and got the ticket. Not something I would normally do. At all! I was looking forward to it actually. I had no expectations of the show itself but wanted to go see what it is all about. About an hour before the show (last night) I was talking to my mother and stupidly mentioned I was going to the show. Stupid, stupid me. I know better but still did it. I just gave her more reasons to let me know how not good I am. “I'd rather you tell me you were going to the moon”. “I don't like that” and it goes on...I know her and I know what she was telling me. I am going to hell. Guess what Mom I got that message from you loud and clear long before today. I already know but thank you for making sure I got the message again. I'll be sure to never forget.
You tell me you love me, well tell me this, what exactly do you love about me? Make no wonder I don't know what love feels like. I have NEVER had a example! Love is just empty words that we spew at someone because we feel we have to. Every time I open my mouth to tell you something that I like or enjoy or want or need you cut me down. You tell me how awful, horrible or wrong it is. Sending me the message that I am awful, horrible person. YOU DO NOT LOVE ME! You love trying to “save” me. Guess what? It is not working. YOU ARE LITERALLY KILLING ME. You are like a cancer taking over my brain. Yet when I try to distance myself you cry to me begging me not to let you go. Why? I obviously bring no joy or goodness to your life.
You have taught me how to feel the guilt really well too. What am I guilty for? How do I let go of this? Despite what you think about me I am not all bad. You see I do not want to intentionally hurt anyone, deserving or not. I guess I can credit you for that but not in a way you would think. It is what you DID NOT show me, that allowed me to be this way. I know what being hurt by someone does. What it feels like to feel like you are dying a little bit more each day. To doubt yourself, to have no sense of self. To never feel worthy or good enough. I Would NEVER want to make anyone feel this and that is why I have not walked away. My brain and heart tells me it will hurt you even if I do not understand why it will hurt you. There comes a time that I have to be selfish. To think only about me. I think we are there or pretty darn close to being there. If I do not become selfish real soon I fear I may not be around to do it later.
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