I am starting this blog on Day 376. I am doing so simply because I didn't really make journaling this adventure a priority until now.
I am suffering tremendous Anxiety and Depression and while I am on day 376, I have come to realize through this process that it stems way back and has been part of my life for way more than 376 days.
My purpose in journaling, now blogging, was at first so I didn't forget things, feelings, moods etc. as they came up. I wanted to remember things to share with my medical team. I was/am also hoping it will show me the progress I make.
I always feel alone and as if no one understands or gets it. I am hoping in sharing my everyday I may find others who may get it or help someone else not feel alone. Maybe for once someone will understand who I am and understand why I am that way.
So here we are...….
Welcome to the raw uncut version of my life.
11 Nov 2024 15:50
I am having a rough day. I sit here and cry and cry. I don't know how to heal from my life. There is so much damage and hurt that I don't know how to heal it. Do you take one thing at a time? Do you just throw it all out? I am at a loss but I am hurting.
28 Oct 2024 16:17
Today I was reminded of another situation that was very traumatic for me. About 10 years ago or so at 2am in the morning I hear the dog barking and this heavy banging on my front door. Keep in mind, we never used the front door only the back. At the time of this incident I could not even actually open the front door. I looked out the living room window to see the RCMP (cops) I started shaking and panicking. Police banging on your door at 2am is NEVER a good thing. I opened the window to speak to them and explain why I could not open the door. They were asking for my eldest daughter. I don't remember every word that was exchanged but remember thinking in the moment what the hell has she done now. I also remember the female officer being very snippy and short with me. She proceeded to tell me that the suicide hotline had received a call from my oldest saying she was going to kill herself. Let me tell you the shaking I had prior to this moment was nothing compared to how my body was now reacting. I asked the officers to come around the back and come in. I had been talking to the eldest just a few hours before and she seemed fine but I called her right then, with the police present. She again was fine and was just as puzzled as I was. Then my mind shifted. My second oldest was in a horrible relationship at the time and often struggled with wanting to die. I mentioned to police if maybe it was her and maybe she was afraid to give her own name. It was the only thing that made sense at the time. I am freaking out! I tried to call her no answer. I am in a state let me tell you. The police got her address from me and sent officers out to visit her. They told me they would update me after that visit happened and went on their way. I am not sure if they ever followed up as promised but I did eventually hear from my daughter who was also fine. To this day I am not sure on what happened here. Was someone prank calling the suicide hotline? Was someone in serious trouble and fearful to give their info so they gave my daughters? Her name is very unique so it is VERY unlikely to have been someone with the same name. It had to have been someone who knew her or knew of her. Whatever happened early that morning we will never know but I do know what happened within me thinking my daughter was going to or had already offed herself will live on in me forever.
28 Oct 2024 16:14
Some time ago I stopped drinking coffee. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loved my coffee, morning, noon, night. It was not ever a bad time for me to drink coffee. Well since last winter coffee wasn't tasting right to me, but I still tried to work it out. Switched brands of coffee, went from pods to ground to whole beans. Switched coffee machines you name it, I done it...unsuccessfully. I finally stopped drinking coffee at all. I have tried but nope coffee isn't one bit appealing. Recently the same is happening with food. Yes food! Nothing appeals to me nor do anything taste good. Today I feel defeated. I made myself some unhealthy homemade french fries with gravy. I could not wait to dig in. Then I took the first bite, nope not good. I know they are the most yummy thing yet they taste blah. It's not my that taste buds are gone, as I can distinguish between the fries, gravy and vinegar, it just does not taste good to me, at all. I may have cried a little (or alot). It is becoming a battle every day with what to eat. As if I did not already have enough going on. This is not helping my mental state. I now have to force feed myself something that is unappealing just to get nourishment.
16 Oct 2024 16:28
It has been a while, yet again. I have always thought the times I went a while between one journal writing to the next was because I was doing poorly, or had nothing to write about. I recently discovered it is actually because I am in an “avoidance” state. I tune myself out, I don't want to feel, I don't want to think, I just want to be. The past few weeks have been HARD! I wish I could “shake it off” and be perfect. That do not happen in real life no matter how many times someone may tell you to do so.
23 Sept 2024 20:32
I am struggling right now. There I said it! I think I mentioned before how the anger emotion is coming out of me. Is it ever coming out of me and I would not want to be on the receiving end of it. It is ugly, hateful and awful. Not who I want to be. I hate it so much. I do not know how to deal with it. My recent “good” therapist is not consistent and I feel like when ever I need someone, like really need someone, there is no one. Getting a regular appointment with her is proving difficult lately. I am sure in my file it is somehow listed that I am unwilling etc....For fuck sakes I am trying. I have been trying. Fighting my way through the darkest of days, hanging by a thread, begging for help. Like everything else in my life I am not a priority, only an after thought. I am a number and a paycheck. That's it!
23 Sept 2024 20:26
At what point does one say fuck it and give up? I do not for life of me understand why I haven't done that yet. Even after all this time and the hard work I have poured into myself I am about ready to give up. It is where my mind brings me today. Why am I still here trying, trying to heal pains that keep coming, new ones, old ones. New worries and old ones. Today's addition is the real possibility of homelessness. My landlord has reached out to say he has to increase the rent. I am not mad at him, nor do I blame him. I understand. I also understand I can not really afford what I am paying now so an increase will be near impossible, given the circumstances of my life currently. It sucks. Why am I trying? For what? I have nothing, no where I feel safe enough to go to and no mode of transportation. I do not go outside and can not “just get over it'. I found some “joy” in planning a change to my bedroom. I began gathering and gutting. Now the Universe is like no fuck you, instead you shall become homeless. Try that out for a while and see the improvement in your mental health; not happening. Someone please give me a reason to keep going because if we are being real here I have nothing to keep going for. I had the desire but I feel like that is fading fast as well.
23 Sept 2024 20:24
The mental health system continues to fail people of this province. There are so many people out there desperate for help, people who are working very hard to heal and become better and we have a system that continuously turns their backs on them.
17 Sept 2024 14:00
As part of my healing I find myself opening up more. In a recent conversation, while trying to explain the dynamics between my mother and I, the person I was chatting with says “ so she don't know you?”
14 Sept 2024 18:46
I am currently feeling VERY heavy. I feel like I am surrounded by a cloud of tension. Lil bit and I had a bit of a confuffle this afternoon. She was grooming the dog and I was needed to help. I sat to the table doing basically nothing but tried to hold the dog still on occasion. I mean honestly I was useless but I was told I needed to be there. At some point the electric clippers died. They needed to be recharged. I knew finding the cord was going to be an issue. So my entire being tensed up right away. The last time the dog was groomed using the clippers the cord was left hanging out of the wall. I am not placing blame here as I could have been the one to have left it. Irrelevant as to who, it was 100% left hanging out of the wall instead on put back where it belonged. I digress. I hopped up immediately and went on a hunt for the cord. Trying to ward of the certain disaster my mind told me was ahead of me if I did not locate it. While looking through piles and piles of stuff just placed in stacks about my room, and drawers I recall having seen it recently. Not sure what I done with it. I remember looking at it and having no clue what it belonged to and am now thinking if it was a day where my mind was on gutting this place I could have very well thrown it out. I admitted that to lil bit and she had no reaction at all to the clipper issue. The no negative response then triggered my brain that I have the all clear. Whew crisis diverted...WRONG! I then proceeded to the table area to get an air freshener I forgot I had. I began opening the package and it was noisy and it unsettled the dog and lil bit shot me a look of pure disgust. All circuits shorted within me, and the anger started to flow. I threw the package on the table and walked away. I can not remember EXACTLY how the conversation went after that. I did say something about how she looks at me with such disgust. She thanked me for saying that (as she often does when I say this) Let me be clear...I am not calling her disgusting. I am not saying her face is disgusting I am saying the look on her face makes me feel like I am disgusting and that she hates the entirety of my existence. I understand how that could trigger me. I don't like that it does and hate how it feels. I then thanked her for making me feel disgusting. (childish? Yes. Did I do it YES) She then said something about believing I make things up in my head. I replied yup that is what I do , spend all my days making stuff up in my head. She parted ways. Then the tension filled the room, that I am currently alone in. I hate these feelings and when they are happening in my own home, my one safe space I can not even begin to process the emotions. I did message lil bit to apologize. She eventually came out and thanked ,me for the apology. I then tried to explain why what had happened, happened. It wasn't her it was ME. I took ownership. She then told me she was happy I reached out because if not she was gonna have to be the one to come to me and say we have issues we need to discuss. I again explained through tears again why these things trigger me. I never know what, where or when. For me, an adult facing CPTSD, all the battles within myself are due to being made feel less than, not enough, disgusting, bad, useless, not good enough, not worthy, and the list could go on. So I am recently noticing that I feel it all, and when current situations stirs these feelings inside me anger jumps out of me. I guess it is the FIGHT mode or that I am literally bursting at the seams. Lil bit made it seem like there were other issues that need to be discussed but when I asked she refused to go anywhere with it because of “this”( my crying emotional mess). She packed up her stuff (phone, water bottle etc...) and headed to her room with door closed. I sit here replaying it all over in my head. Feeling bad I may have hurt her. I have cried as the pain I feel buried deep within tries to surface. The cloud of tension all around me and I have no where to run. I am trapped!
9 Sept 2024 22:34
“I don't ask why, I ask why not”. A quote from Dr. Phil that has always stuck with me. My thoughts today bring me to this. 7 weeks watching and waiting for my dad to die in a palliative care room. Also looking at and watching the one picture of a grandchild sit by his death bed and watch that grandchild be praised to everyone who entered. That grandchild, my nephew is also my daughters abuser. It is my fault this hurt me as I didn't tell my parents about this abuse. Some how we didn't want to cause the devastation in my parents. I always thought the child and I wanted this. Now I realize that may have been my mind. Maybe I didn't want to put it on them or perhaps I did not want to deal with it. Either way it happened and it added a layer to the 7 weeks. During this time my new to me car, that my dad had purchased from his friend a few short months before, was breaking down. I later learned the car was useless. I wasn't bringing this issue into the room so I placed it nicely beside the picture, deep within my being. My mother was cracking under all the goings on with dad and was acting crazy at times. So of course I opened myself up and placed that with the picture and the car. All the while my teenage daughter was at home alone raising herself for the most part. I was a better mother than that, I know and knew better. At that time though it went inside on that shelf with the picture, car, and my moms crazy. Now, as I reflect back, and beat myself up for, my teenaged daughter who was left alone by ME was also being lured, exploited and abused by someone we trusted. Someone we looked at like family. A person of authority. (Wow that was a lot. As I wrote that the hairs on the back of neck stood to attention. A person of authority, said nephew abuser went on to be a member of a police force. Had I done the right thing at the time, a police officer he would not have become) So why would I not be where I am today based on those 7 weeks alone. There were other stressors as well, I was off work without pay for almost the entirety of those 7 weeks. The mental game of waiting in a hospital for someone to die. The guilt when you had moments of wishing it would happen. Seeing people around us (other rooms) come and go, rather quickly and we waited. So yah, I am learning piece by piece how I got here. I still question how I made it this far. How did I even survive to reach the perfect storm? That thought blows my mind. I have to be something, strong, eh I dunno. Maybe its just best to say I am something! With hope, one day I can add the word special to it and believe it!
9 Sept 2024 01:28
Tonight I reflect on what I call “The Perfect Storm”. It was (is) a storm that has been brewing since I was in my mothers womb. It grew with me through childhood. It gained some great momentum through the teenage years and robbed me of myself in early adulthood/motherhood. Each phase of my life picked up debris, as you would imagine a tornado would do. I thought many times that the storm had reached its peak, little did I know that it was only just beginning to spin out of control. Then when I least expected, I had maintained control over this monstrosity my entire life, the stars aligned. Not in a good way! (not that I can see clearly, yet anyway).
9 Sept 2024 01:22
My mother told me a story recently and it has really bothered me ever since. She said she was at the pharmacy recently and a man, that she described as nice looking, well dressed and well kept, went to the counter to pick up medication for the children. The pharmacist asked him if the kids were sick again. This sent him on an ugly rant, according to my mother. Those effing children are always sick, they are arseholes and nothing but trouble. He said it like he meant it with such anger and hate. It was clear to me that we were expected to name call this man, judge him and say how awful he is. However, I do not feel any of these things about this man I know nothing about. I am not perfect, and admit there was a time not so long ago I too would have judged him.
11 Nov 2024 15:50
I am having a rough day. I sit here and cry and cry. I don't know how to heal from my life. There is so much damage and hurt that I don't know how to heal it. Do you take one thing at a time? Do you just throw it all out? I am at a loss but I am hurting.
28 Oct 2024 16:17
Today I was reminded of another situation that was very traumatic for me. About 10 years ago or so at 2am in the morning I hear the dog barking and this heavy banging on my front door. Keep in mind, we never used the front door only the back. At the time of this incident I could not even actually open the front door. I looked out the living room window to see the RCMP (cops) I started shaking and panicking. Police banging on your door at 2am is NEVER a good thing. I opened the window to speak to them and explain why I could not open the door. They were asking for my eldest daughter. I don't remember every word that was exchanged but remember thinking in the moment what the hell has she done now. I also remember the female officer being very snippy and short with me. She proceeded to tell me that the suicide hotline had received a call from my oldest saying she was going to kill herself. Let me tell you the shaking I had prior to this moment was nothing compared to how my body was now reacting. I asked the officers to come around the back and come in. I had been talking to the eldest just a few hours before and she seemed fine but I called her right then, with the police present. She again was fine and was just as puzzled as I was. Then my mind shifted. My second oldest was in a horrible relationship at the time and often struggled with wanting to die. I mentioned to police if maybe it was her and maybe she was afraid to give her own name. It was the only thing that made sense at the time. I am freaking out! I tried to call her no answer. I am in a state let me tell you. The police got her address from me and sent officers out to visit her. They told me they would update me after that visit happened and went on their way. I am not sure if they ever followed up as promised but I did eventually hear from my daughter who was also fine. To this day I am not sure on what happened here. Was someone prank calling the suicide hotline? Was someone in serious trouble and fearful to give their info so they gave my daughters? Her name is very unique so it is VERY unlikely to have been someone with the same name. It had to have been someone who knew her or knew of her. Whatever happened early that morning we will never know but I do know what happened within me thinking my daughter was going to or had already offed herself will live on in me forever.
28 Oct 2024 16:14
Some time ago I stopped drinking coffee. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loved my coffee, morning, noon, night. It was not ever a bad time for me to drink coffee. Well since last winter coffee wasn't tasting right to me, but I still tried to work it out. Switched brands of coffee, went from pods to ground to whole beans. Switched coffee machines you name it, I done it...unsuccessfully. I finally stopped drinking coffee at all. I have tried but nope coffee isn't one bit appealing. Recently the same is happening with food. Yes food! Nothing appeals to me nor do anything taste good. Today I feel defeated. I made myself some unhealthy homemade french fries with gravy. I could not wait to dig in. Then I took the first bite, nope not good. I know they are the most yummy thing yet they taste blah. It's not my that taste buds are gone, as I can distinguish between the fries, gravy and vinegar, it just does not taste good to me, at all. I may have cried a little (or alot). It is becoming a battle every day with what to eat. As if I did not already have enough going on. This is not helping my mental state. I now have to force feed myself something that is unappealing just to get nourishment.
16 Oct 2024 16:28
It has been a while, yet again. I have always thought the times I went a while between one journal writing to the next was because I was doing poorly, or had nothing to write about. I recently discovered it is actually because I am in an “avoidance” state. I tune myself out, I don't want to feel, I don't want to think, I just want to be. The past few weeks have been HARD! I wish I could “shake it off” and be perfect. That do not happen in real life no matter how many times someone may tell you to do so.
23 Sept 2024 20:32
I am struggling right now. There I said it! I think I mentioned before how the anger emotion is coming out of me. Is it ever coming out of me and I would not want to be on the receiving end of it. It is ugly, hateful and awful. Not who I want to be. I hate it so much. I do not know how to deal with it. My recent “good” therapist is not consistent and I feel like when ever I need someone, like really need someone, there is no one. Getting a regular appointment with her is proving difficult lately. I am sure in my file it is somehow listed that I am unwilling etc....For fuck sakes I am trying. I have been trying. Fighting my way through the darkest of days, hanging by a thread, begging for help. Like everything else in my life I am not a priority, only an after thought. I am a number and a paycheck. That's it!
23 Sept 2024 20:26
At what point does one say fuck it and give up? I do not for life of me understand why I haven't done that yet. Even after all this time and the hard work I have poured into myself I am about ready to give up. It is where my mind brings me today. Why am I still here trying, trying to heal pains that keep coming, new ones, old ones. New worries and old ones. Today's addition is the real possibility of homelessness. My landlord has reached out to say he has to increase the rent. I am not mad at him, nor do I blame him. I understand. I also understand I can not really afford what I am paying now so an increase will be near impossible, given the circumstances of my life currently. It sucks. Why am I trying? For what? I have nothing, no where I feel safe enough to go to and no mode of transportation. I do not go outside and can not “just get over it'. I found some “joy” in planning a change to my bedroom. I began gathering and gutting. Now the Universe is like no fuck you, instead you shall become homeless. Try that out for a while and see the improvement in your mental health; not happening. Someone please give me a reason to keep going because if we are being real here I have nothing to keep going for. I had the desire but I feel like that is fading fast as well.
23 Sept 2024 20:24
The mental health system continues to fail people of this province. There are so many people out there desperate for help, people who are working very hard to heal and become better and we have a system that continuously turns their backs on them.
17 Sept 2024 14:00
As part of my healing I find myself opening up more. In a recent conversation, while trying to explain the dynamics between my mother and I, the person I was chatting with says “ so she don't know you?”
14 Sept 2024 18:46
I am currently feeling VERY heavy. I feel like I am surrounded by a cloud of tension. Lil bit and I had a bit of a confuffle this afternoon. She was grooming the dog and I was needed to help. I sat to the table doing basically nothing but tried to hold the dog still on occasion. I mean honestly I was useless but I was told I needed to be there. At some point the electric clippers died. They needed to be recharged. I knew finding the cord was going to be an issue. So my entire being tensed up right away. The last time the dog was groomed using the clippers the cord was left hanging out of the wall. I am not placing blame here as I could have been the one to have left it. Irrelevant as to who, it was 100% left hanging out of the wall instead on put back where it belonged. I digress. I hopped up immediately and went on a hunt for the cord. Trying to ward of the certain disaster my mind told me was ahead of me if I did not locate it. While looking through piles and piles of stuff just placed in stacks about my room, and drawers I recall having seen it recently. Not sure what I done with it. I remember looking at it and having no clue what it belonged to and am now thinking if it was a day where my mind was on gutting this place I could have very well thrown it out. I admitted that to lil bit and she had no reaction at all to the clipper issue. The no negative response then triggered my brain that I have the all clear. Whew crisis diverted...WRONG! I then proceeded to the table area to get an air freshener I forgot I had. I began opening the package and it was noisy and it unsettled the dog and lil bit shot me a look of pure disgust. All circuits shorted within me, and the anger started to flow. I threw the package on the table and walked away. I can not remember EXACTLY how the conversation went after that. I did say something about how she looks at me with such disgust. She thanked me for saying that (as she often does when I say this) Let me be clear...I am not calling her disgusting. I am not saying her face is disgusting I am saying the look on her face makes me feel like I am disgusting and that she hates the entirety of my existence. I understand how that could trigger me. I don't like that it does and hate how it feels. I then thanked her for making me feel disgusting. (childish? Yes. Did I do it YES) She then said something about believing I make things up in my head. I replied yup that is what I do , spend all my days making stuff up in my head. She parted ways. Then the tension filled the room, that I am currently alone in. I hate these feelings and when they are happening in my own home, my one safe space I can not even begin to process the emotions. I did message lil bit to apologize. She eventually came out and thanked ,me for the apology. I then tried to explain why what had happened, happened. It wasn't her it was ME. I took ownership. She then told me she was happy I reached out because if not she was gonna have to be the one to come to me and say we have issues we need to discuss. I again explained through tears again why these things trigger me. I never know what, where or when. For me, an adult facing CPTSD, all the battles within myself are due to being made feel less than, not enough, disgusting, bad, useless, not good enough, not worthy, and the list could go on. So I am recently noticing that I feel it all, and when current situations stirs these feelings inside me anger jumps out of me. I guess it is the FIGHT mode or that I am literally bursting at the seams. Lil bit made it seem like there were other issues that need to be discussed but when I asked she refused to go anywhere with it because of “this”( my crying emotional mess). She packed up her stuff (phone, water bottle etc...) and headed to her room with door closed. I sit here replaying it all over in my head. Feeling bad I may have hurt her. I have cried as the pain I feel buried deep within tries to surface. The cloud of tension all around me and I have no where to run. I am trapped!
9 Sept 2024 22:34
“I don't ask why, I ask why not”. A quote from Dr. Phil that has always stuck with me. My thoughts today bring me to this. 7 weeks watching and waiting for my dad to die in a palliative care room. Also looking at and watching the one picture of a grandchild sit by his death bed and watch that grandchild be praised to everyone who entered. That grandchild, my nephew is also my daughters abuser. It is my fault this hurt me as I didn't tell my parents about this abuse. Some how we didn't want to cause the devastation in my parents. I always thought the child and I wanted this. Now I realize that may have been my mind. Maybe I didn't want to put it on them or perhaps I did not want to deal with it. Either way it happened and it added a layer to the 7 weeks. During this time my new to me car, that my dad had purchased from his friend a few short months before, was breaking down. I later learned the car was useless. I wasn't bringing this issue into the room so I placed it nicely beside the picture, deep within my being. My mother was cracking under all the goings on with dad and was acting crazy at times. So of course I opened myself up and placed that with the picture and the car. All the while my teenage daughter was at home alone raising herself for the most part. I was a better mother than that, I know and knew better. At that time though it went inside on that shelf with the picture, car, and my moms crazy. Now, as I reflect back, and beat myself up for, my teenaged daughter who was left alone by ME was also being lured, exploited and abused by someone we trusted. Someone we looked at like family. A person of authority. (Wow that was a lot. As I wrote that the hairs on the back of neck stood to attention. A person of authority, said nephew abuser went on to be a member of a police force. Had I done the right thing at the time, a police officer he would not have become) So why would I not be where I am today based on those 7 weeks alone. There were other stressors as well, I was off work without pay for almost the entirety of those 7 weeks. The mental game of waiting in a hospital for someone to die. The guilt when you had moments of wishing it would happen. Seeing people around us (other rooms) come and go, rather quickly and we waited. So yah, I am learning piece by piece how I got here. I still question how I made it this far. How did I even survive to reach the perfect storm? That thought blows my mind. I have to be something, strong, eh I dunno. Maybe its just best to say I am something! With hope, one day I can add the word special to it and believe it!
9 Sept 2024 01:28
Tonight I reflect on what I call “The Perfect Storm”. It was (is) a storm that has been brewing since I was in my mothers womb. It grew with me through childhood. It gained some great momentum through the teenage years and robbed me of myself in early adulthood/motherhood. Each phase of my life picked up debris, as you would imagine a tornado would do. I thought many times that the storm had reached its peak, little did I know that it was only just beginning to spin out of control. Then when I least expected, I had maintained control over this monstrosity my entire life, the stars aligned. Not in a good way! (not that I can see clearly, yet anyway).
9 Sept 2024 01:22
My mother told me a story recently and it has really bothered me ever since. She said she was at the pharmacy recently and a man, that she described as nice looking, well dressed and well kept, went to the counter to pick up medication for the children. The pharmacist asked him if the kids were sick again. This sent him on an ugly rant, according to my mother. Those effing children are always sick, they are arseholes and nothing but trouble. He said it like he meant it with such anger and hate. It was clear to me that we were expected to name call this man, judge him and say how awful he is. However, I do not feel any of these things about this man I know nothing about. I am not perfect, and admit there was a time not so long ago I too would have judged him.
11 Nov 2024 15:50
I am having a rough day. I sit here and cry and cry. I don't know how to heal from my life. There is so much damage and hurt that I don't know how to heal it. Do you take one thing at a time? Do you just throw it all out? I am at a loss but I am hurting.
28 Oct 2024 16:17
Today I was reminded of another situation that was very traumatic for me. About 10 years ago or so at 2am in the morning I hear the dog barking and this heavy banging on my front door. Keep in mind, we never used the front door only the back. At the time of this incident I could not even actually open the front door. I looked out the living room window to see the RCMP (cops) I started shaking and panicking. Police banging on your door at 2am is NEVER a good thing. I opened the window to speak to them and explain why I could not open the door. They were asking for my eldest daughter. I don't remember every word that was exchanged but remember thinking in the moment what the hell has she done now. I also remember the female officer being very snippy and short with me. She proceeded to tell me that the suicide hotline had received a call from my oldest saying she was going to kill herself. Let me tell you the shaking I had prior to this moment was nothing compared to how my body was now reacting. I asked the officers to come around the back and come in. I had been talking to the eldest just a few hours before and she seemed fine but I called her right then, with the police present. She again was fine and was just as puzzled as I was. Then my mind shifted. My second oldest was in a horrible relationship at the time and often struggled with wanting to die. I mentioned to police if maybe it was her and maybe she was afraid to give her own name. It was the only thing that made sense at the time. I am freaking out! I tried to call her no answer. I am in a state let me tell you. The police got her address from me and sent officers out to visit her. They told me they would update me after that visit happened and went on their way. I am not sure if they ever followed up as promised but I did eventually hear from my daughter who was also fine. To this day I am not sure on what happened here. Was someone prank calling the suicide hotline? Was someone in serious trouble and fearful to give their info so they gave my daughters? Her name is very unique so it is VERY unlikely to have been someone with the same name. It had to have been someone who knew her or knew of her. Whatever happened early that morning we will never know but I do know what happened within me thinking my daughter was going to or had already offed herself will live on in me forever.
28 Oct 2024 16:14
Some time ago I stopped drinking coffee. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loved my coffee, morning, noon, night. It was not ever a bad time for me to drink coffee. Well since last winter coffee wasn't tasting right to me, but I still tried to work it out. Switched brands of coffee, went from pods to ground to whole beans. Switched coffee machines you name it, I done it...unsuccessfully. I finally stopped drinking coffee at all. I have tried but nope coffee isn't one bit appealing. Recently the same is happening with food. Yes food! Nothing appeals to me nor do anything taste good. Today I feel defeated. I made myself some unhealthy homemade french fries with gravy. I could not wait to dig in. Then I took the first bite, nope not good. I know they are the most yummy thing yet they taste blah. It's not my that taste buds are gone, as I can distinguish between the fries, gravy and vinegar, it just does not taste good to me, at all. I may have cried a little (or alot). It is becoming a battle every day with what to eat. As if I did not already have enough going on. This is not helping my mental state. I now have to force feed myself something that is unappealing just to get nourishment.
16 Oct 2024 16:28
It has been a while, yet again. I have always thought the times I went a while between one journal writing to the next was because I was doing poorly, or had nothing to write about. I recently discovered it is actually because I am in an “avoidance” state. I tune myself out, I don't want to feel, I don't want to think, I just want to be. The past few weeks have been HARD! I wish I could “shake it off” and be perfect. That do not happen in real life no matter how many times someone may tell you to do so.
23 Sept 2024 20:32
I am struggling right now. There I said it! I think I mentioned before how the anger emotion is coming out of me. Is it ever coming out of me and I would not want to be on the receiving end of it. It is ugly, hateful and awful. Not who I want to be. I hate it so much. I do not know how to deal with it. My recent “good” therapist is not consistent and I feel like when ever I need someone, like really need someone, there is no one. Getting a regular appointment with her is proving difficult lately. I am sure in my file it is somehow listed that I am unwilling etc....For fuck sakes I am trying. I have been trying. Fighting my way through the darkest of days, hanging by a thread, begging for help. Like everything else in my life I am not a priority, only an after thought. I am a number and a paycheck. That's it!
23 Sept 2024 20:26
At what point does one say fuck it and give up? I do not for life of me understand why I haven't done that yet. Even after all this time and the hard work I have poured into myself I am about ready to give up. It is where my mind brings me today. Why am I still here trying, trying to heal pains that keep coming, new ones, old ones. New worries and old ones. Today's addition is the real possibility of homelessness. My landlord has reached out to say he has to increase the rent. I am not mad at him, nor do I blame him. I understand. I also understand I can not really afford what I am paying now so an increase will be near impossible, given the circumstances of my life currently. It sucks. Why am I trying? For what? I have nothing, no where I feel safe enough to go to and no mode of transportation. I do not go outside and can not “just get over it'. I found some “joy” in planning a change to my bedroom. I began gathering and gutting. Now the Universe is like no fuck you, instead you shall become homeless. Try that out for a while and see the improvement in your mental health; not happening. Someone please give me a reason to keep going because if we are being real here I have nothing to keep going for. I had the desire but I feel like that is fading fast as well.
23 Sept 2024 20:24
The mental health system continues to fail people of this province. There are so many people out there desperate for help, people who are working very hard to heal and become better and we have a system that continuously turns their backs on them.
17 Sept 2024 14:00
As part of my healing I find myself opening up more. In a recent conversation, while trying to explain the dynamics between my mother and I, the person I was chatting with says “ so she don't know you?”
14 Sept 2024 18:46
I am currently feeling VERY heavy. I feel like I am surrounded by a cloud of tension. Lil bit and I had a bit of a confuffle this afternoon. She was grooming the dog and I was needed to help. I sat to the table doing basically nothing but tried to hold the dog still on occasion. I mean honestly I was useless but I was told I needed to be there. At some point the electric clippers died. They needed to be recharged. I knew finding the cord was going to be an issue. So my entire being tensed up right away. The last time the dog was groomed using the clippers the cord was left hanging out of the wall. I am not placing blame here as I could have been the one to have left it. Irrelevant as to who, it was 100% left hanging out of the wall instead on put back where it belonged. I digress. I hopped up immediately and went on a hunt for the cord. Trying to ward of the certain disaster my mind told me was ahead of me if I did not locate it. While looking through piles and piles of stuff just placed in stacks about my room, and drawers I recall having seen it recently. Not sure what I done with it. I remember looking at it and having no clue what it belonged to and am now thinking if it was a day where my mind was on gutting this place I could have very well thrown it out. I admitted that to lil bit and she had no reaction at all to the clipper issue. The no negative response then triggered my brain that I have the all clear. Whew crisis diverted...WRONG! I then proceeded to the table area to get an air freshener I forgot I had. I began opening the package and it was noisy and it unsettled the dog and lil bit shot me a look of pure disgust. All circuits shorted within me, and the anger started to flow. I threw the package on the table and walked away. I can not remember EXACTLY how the conversation went after that. I did say something about how she looks at me with such disgust. She thanked me for saying that (as she often does when I say this) Let me be clear...I am not calling her disgusting. I am not saying her face is disgusting I am saying the look on her face makes me feel like I am disgusting and that she hates the entirety of my existence. I understand how that could trigger me. I don't like that it does and hate how it feels. I then thanked her for making me feel disgusting. (childish? Yes. Did I do it YES) She then said something about believing I make things up in my head. I replied yup that is what I do , spend all my days making stuff up in my head. She parted ways. Then the tension filled the room, that I am currently alone in. I hate these feelings and when they are happening in my own home, my one safe space I can not even begin to process the emotions. I did message lil bit to apologize. She eventually came out and thanked ,me for the apology. I then tried to explain why what had happened, happened. It wasn't her it was ME. I took ownership. She then told me she was happy I reached out because if not she was gonna have to be the one to come to me and say we have issues we need to discuss. I again explained through tears again why these things trigger me. I never know what, where or when. For me, an adult facing CPTSD, all the battles within myself are due to being made feel less than, not enough, disgusting, bad, useless, not good enough, not worthy, and the list could go on. So I am recently noticing that I feel it all, and when current situations stirs these feelings inside me anger jumps out of me. I guess it is the FIGHT mode or that I am literally bursting at the seams. Lil bit made it seem like there were other issues that need to be discussed but when I asked she refused to go anywhere with it because of “this”( my crying emotional mess). She packed up her stuff (phone, water bottle etc...) and headed to her room with door closed. I sit here replaying it all over in my head. Feeling bad I may have hurt her. I have cried as the pain I feel buried deep within tries to surface. The cloud of tension all around me and I have no where to run. I am trapped!
9 Sept 2024 22:34
“I don't ask why, I ask why not”. A quote from Dr. Phil that has always stuck with me. My thoughts today bring me to this. 7 weeks watching and waiting for my dad to die in a palliative care room. Also looking at and watching the one picture of a grandchild sit by his death bed and watch that grandchild be praised to everyone who entered. That grandchild, my nephew is also my daughters abuser. It is my fault this hurt me as I didn't tell my parents about this abuse. Some how we didn't want to cause the devastation in my parents. I always thought the child and I wanted this. Now I realize that may have been my mind. Maybe I didn't want to put it on them or perhaps I did not want to deal with it. Either way it happened and it added a layer to the 7 weeks. During this time my new to me car, that my dad had purchased from his friend a few short months before, was breaking down. I later learned the car was useless. I wasn't bringing this issue into the room so I placed it nicely beside the picture, deep within my being. My mother was cracking under all the goings on with dad and was acting crazy at times. So of course I opened myself up and placed that with the picture and the car. All the while my teenage daughter was at home alone raising herself for the most part. I was a better mother than that, I know and knew better. At that time though it went inside on that shelf with the picture, car, and my moms crazy. Now, as I reflect back, and beat myself up for, my teenaged daughter who was left alone by ME was also being lured, exploited and abused by someone we trusted. Someone we looked at like family. A person of authority. (Wow that was a lot. As I wrote that the hairs on the back of neck stood to attention. A person of authority, said nephew abuser went on to be a member of a police force. Had I done the right thing at the time, a police officer he would not have become) So why would I not be where I am today based on those 7 weeks alone. There were other stressors as well, I was off work without pay for almost the entirety of those 7 weeks. The mental game of waiting in a hospital for someone to die. The guilt when you had moments of wishing it would happen. Seeing people around us (other rooms) come and go, rather quickly and we waited. So yah, I am learning piece by piece how I got here. I still question how I made it this far. How did I even survive to reach the perfect storm? That thought blows my mind. I have to be something, strong, eh I dunno. Maybe its just best to say I am something! With hope, one day I can add the word special to it and believe it!
9 Sept 2024 01:28
Tonight I reflect on what I call “The Perfect Storm”. It was (is) a storm that has been brewing since I was in my mothers womb. It grew with me through childhood. It gained some great momentum through the teenage years and robbed me of myself in early adulthood/motherhood. Each phase of my life picked up debris, as you would imagine a tornado would do. I thought many times that the storm had reached its peak, little did I know that it was only just beginning to spin out of control. Then when I least expected, I had maintained control over this monstrosity my entire life, the stars aligned. Not in a good way! (not that I can see clearly, yet anyway).
9 Sept 2024 01:22
My mother told me a story recently and it has really bothered me ever since. She said she was at the pharmacy recently and a man, that she described as nice looking, well dressed and well kept, went to the counter to pick up medication for the children. The pharmacist asked him if the kids were sick again. This sent him on an ugly rant, according to my mother. Those effing children are always sick, they are arseholes and nothing but trouble. He said it like he meant it with such anger and hate. It was clear to me that we were expected to name call this man, judge him and say how awful he is. However, I do not feel any of these things about this man I know nothing about. I am not perfect, and admit there was a time not so long ago I too would have judged him.
11 Nov 2024 15:50
I am having a rough day. I sit here and cry and cry. I don't know how to heal from my life. There is so much damage and hurt that I don't know how to heal it. Do you take one thing at a time? Do you just throw it all out? I am at a loss but I am hurting.
28 Oct 2024 16:17
Today I was reminded of another situation that was very traumatic for me. About 10 years ago or so at 2am in the morning I hear the dog barking and this heavy banging on my front door. Keep in mind, we never used the front door only the back. At the time of this incident I could not even actually open the front door. I looked out the living room window to see the RCMP (cops) I started shaking and panicking. Police banging on your door at 2am is NEVER a good thing. I opened the window to speak to them and explain why I could not open the door. They were asking for my eldest daughter. I don't remember every word that was exchanged but remember thinking in the moment what the hell has she done now. I also remember the female officer being very snippy and short with me. She proceeded to tell me that the suicide hotline had received a call from my oldest saying she was going to kill herself. Let me tell you the shaking I had prior to this moment was nothing compared to how my body was now reacting. I asked the officers to come around the back and come in. I had been talking to the eldest just a few hours before and she seemed fine but I called her right then, with the police present. She again was fine and was just as puzzled as I was. Then my mind shifted. My second oldest was in a horrible relationship at the time and often struggled with wanting to die. I mentioned to police if maybe it was her and maybe she was afraid to give her own name. It was the only thing that made sense at the time. I am freaking out! I tried to call her no answer. I am in a state let me tell you. The police got her address from me and sent officers out to visit her. They told me they would update me after that visit happened and went on their way. I am not sure if they ever followed up as promised but I did eventually hear from my daughter who was also fine. To this day I am not sure on what happened here. Was someone prank calling the suicide hotline? Was someone in serious trouble and fearful to give their info so they gave my daughters? Her name is very unique so it is VERY unlikely to have been someone with the same name. It had to have been someone who knew her or knew of her. Whatever happened early that morning we will never know but I do know what happened within me thinking my daughter was going to or had already offed herself will live on in me forever.
28 Oct 2024 16:14
Some time ago I stopped drinking coffee. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loved my coffee, morning, noon, night. It was not ever a bad time for me to drink coffee. Well since last winter coffee wasn't tasting right to me, but I still tried to work it out. Switched brands of coffee, went from pods to ground to whole beans. Switched coffee machines you name it, I done it...unsuccessfully. I finally stopped drinking coffee at all. I have tried but nope coffee isn't one bit appealing. Recently the same is happening with food. Yes food! Nothing appeals to me nor do anything taste good. Today I feel defeated. I made myself some unhealthy homemade french fries with gravy. I could not wait to dig in. Then I took the first bite, nope not good. I know they are the most yummy thing yet they taste blah. It's not my that taste buds are gone, as I can distinguish between the fries, gravy and vinegar, it just does not taste good to me, at all. I may have cried a little (or alot). It is becoming a battle every day with what to eat. As if I did not already have enough going on. This is not helping my mental state. I now have to force feed myself something that is unappealing just to get nourishment.
16 Oct 2024 16:28
It has been a while, yet again. I have always thought the times I went a while between one journal writing to the next was because I was doing poorly, or had nothing to write about. I recently discovered it is actually because I am in an “avoidance” state. I tune myself out, I don't want to feel, I don't want to think, I just want to be. The past few weeks have been HARD! I wish I could “shake it off” and be perfect. That do not happen in real life no matter how many times someone may tell you to do so.
23 Sept 2024 20:32
I am struggling right now. There I said it! I think I mentioned before how the anger emotion is coming out of me. Is it ever coming out of me and I would not want to be on the receiving end of it. It is ugly, hateful and awful. Not who I want to be. I hate it so much. I do not know how to deal with it. My recent “good” therapist is not consistent and I feel like when ever I need someone, like really need someone, there is no one. Getting a regular appointment with her is proving difficult lately. I am sure in my file it is somehow listed that I am unwilling etc....For fuck sakes I am trying. I have been trying. Fighting my way through the darkest of days, hanging by a thread, begging for help. Like everything else in my life I am not a priority, only an after thought. I am a number and a paycheck. That's it!
23 Sept 2024 20:26
At what point does one say fuck it and give up? I do not for life of me understand why I haven't done that yet. Even after all this time and the hard work I have poured into myself I am about ready to give up. It is where my mind brings me today. Why am I still here trying, trying to heal pains that keep coming, new ones, old ones. New worries and old ones. Today's addition is the real possibility of homelessness. My landlord has reached out to say he has to increase the rent. I am not mad at him, nor do I blame him. I understand. I also understand I can not really afford what I am paying now so an increase will be near impossible, given the circumstances of my life currently. It sucks. Why am I trying? For what? I have nothing, no where I feel safe enough to go to and no mode of transportation. I do not go outside and can not “just get over it'. I found some “joy” in planning a change to my bedroom. I began gathering and gutting. Now the Universe is like no fuck you, instead you shall become homeless. Try that out for a while and see the improvement in your mental health; not happening. Someone please give me a reason to keep going because if we are being real here I have nothing to keep going for. I had the desire but I feel like that is fading fast as well.
23 Sept 2024 20:24
The mental health system continues to fail people of this province. There are so many people out there desperate for help, people who are working very hard to heal and become better and we have a system that continuously turns their backs on them.
17 Sept 2024 14:00
As part of my healing I find myself opening up more. In a recent conversation, while trying to explain the dynamics between my mother and I, the person I was chatting with says “ so she don't know you?”
14 Sept 2024 18:46
I am currently feeling VERY heavy. I feel like I am surrounded by a cloud of tension. Lil bit and I had a bit of a confuffle this afternoon. She was grooming the dog and I was needed to help. I sat to the table doing basically nothing but tried to hold the dog still on occasion. I mean honestly I was useless but I was told I needed to be there. At some point the electric clippers died. They needed to be recharged. I knew finding the cord was going to be an issue. So my entire being tensed up right away. The last time the dog was groomed using the clippers the cord was left hanging out of the wall. I am not placing blame here as I could have been the one to have left it. Irrelevant as to who, it was 100% left hanging out of the wall instead on put back where it belonged. I digress. I hopped up immediately and went on a hunt for the cord. Trying to ward of the certain disaster my mind told me was ahead of me if I did not locate it. While looking through piles and piles of stuff just placed in stacks about my room, and drawers I recall having seen it recently. Not sure what I done with it. I remember looking at it and having no clue what it belonged to and am now thinking if it was a day where my mind was on gutting this place I could have very well thrown it out. I admitted that to lil bit and she had no reaction at all to the clipper issue. The no negative response then triggered my brain that I have the all clear. Whew crisis diverted...WRONG! I then proceeded to the table area to get an air freshener I forgot I had. I began opening the package and it was noisy and it unsettled the dog and lil bit shot me a look of pure disgust. All circuits shorted within me, and the anger started to flow. I threw the package on the table and walked away. I can not remember EXACTLY how the conversation went after that. I did say something about how she looks at me with such disgust. She thanked me for saying that (as she often does when I say this) Let me be clear...I am not calling her disgusting. I am not saying her face is disgusting I am saying the look on her face makes me feel like I am disgusting and that she hates the entirety of my existence. I understand how that could trigger me. I don't like that it does and hate how it feels. I then thanked her for making me feel disgusting. (childish? Yes. Did I do it YES) She then said something about believing I make things up in my head. I replied yup that is what I do , spend all my days making stuff up in my head. She parted ways. Then the tension filled the room, that I am currently alone in. I hate these feelings and when they are happening in my own home, my one safe space I can not even begin to process the emotions. I did message lil bit to apologize. She eventually came out and thanked ,me for the apology. I then tried to explain why what had happened, happened. It wasn't her it was ME. I took ownership. She then told me she was happy I reached out because if not she was gonna have to be the one to come to me and say we have issues we need to discuss. I again explained through tears again why these things trigger me. I never know what, where or when. For me, an adult facing CPTSD, all the battles within myself are due to being made feel less than, not enough, disgusting, bad, useless, not good enough, not worthy, and the list could go on. So I am recently noticing that I feel it all, and when current situations stirs these feelings inside me anger jumps out of me. I guess it is the FIGHT mode or that I am literally bursting at the seams. Lil bit made it seem like there were other issues that need to be discussed but when I asked she refused to go anywhere with it because of “this”( my crying emotional mess). She packed up her stuff (phone, water bottle etc...) and headed to her room with door closed. I sit here replaying it all over in my head. Feeling bad I may have hurt her. I have cried as the pain I feel buried deep within tries to surface. The cloud of tension all around me and I have no where to run. I am trapped!
9 Sept 2024 22:34
“I don't ask why, I ask why not”. A quote from Dr. Phil that has always stuck with me. My thoughts today bring me to this. 7 weeks watching and waiting for my dad to die in a palliative care room. Also looking at and watching the one picture of a grandchild sit by his death bed and watch that grandchild be praised to everyone who entered. That grandchild, my nephew is also my daughters abuser. It is my fault this hurt me as I didn't tell my parents about this abuse. Some how we didn't want to cause the devastation in my parents. I always thought the child and I wanted this. Now I realize that may have been my mind. Maybe I didn't want to put it on them or perhaps I did not want to deal with it. Either way it happened and it added a layer to the 7 weeks. During this time my new to me car, that my dad had purchased from his friend a few short months before, was breaking down. I later learned the car was useless. I wasn't bringing this issue into the room so I placed it nicely beside the picture, deep within my being. My mother was cracking under all the goings on with dad and was acting crazy at times. So of course I opened myself up and placed that with the picture and the car. All the while my teenage daughter was at home alone raising herself for the most part. I was a better mother than that, I know and knew better. At that time though it went inside on that shelf with the picture, car, and my moms crazy. Now, as I reflect back, and beat myself up for, my teenaged daughter who was left alone by ME was also being lured, exploited and abused by someone we trusted. Someone we looked at like family. A person of authority. (Wow that was a lot. As I wrote that the hairs on the back of neck stood to attention. A person of authority, said nephew abuser went on to be a member of a police force. Had I done the right thing at the time, a police officer he would not have become) So why would I not be where I am today based on those 7 weeks alone. There were other stressors as well, I was off work without pay for almost the entirety of those 7 weeks. The mental game of waiting in a hospital for someone to die. The guilt when you had moments of wishing it would happen. Seeing people around us (other rooms) come and go, rather quickly and we waited. So yah, I am learning piece by piece how I got here. I still question how I made it this far. How did I even survive to reach the perfect storm? That thought blows my mind. I have to be something, strong, eh I dunno. Maybe its just best to say I am something! With hope, one day I can add the word special to it and believe it!
9 Sept 2024 01:28
Tonight I reflect on what I call “The Perfect Storm”. It was (is) a storm that has been brewing since I was in my mothers womb. It grew with me through childhood. It gained some great momentum through the teenage years and robbed me of myself in early adulthood/motherhood. Each phase of my life picked up debris, as you would imagine a tornado would do. I thought many times that the storm had reached its peak, little did I know that it was only just beginning to spin out of control. Then when I least expected, I had maintained control over this monstrosity my entire life, the stars aligned. Not in a good way! (not that I can see clearly, yet anyway).
9 Sept 2024 01:22
My mother told me a story recently and it has really bothered me ever since. She said she was at the pharmacy recently and a man, that she described as nice looking, well dressed and well kept, went to the counter to pick up medication for the children. The pharmacist asked him if the kids were sick again. This sent him on an ugly rant, according to my mother. Those effing children are always sick, they are arseholes and nothing but trouble. He said it like he meant it with such anger and hate. It was clear to me that we were expected to name call this man, judge him and say how awful he is. However, I do not feel any of these things about this man I know nothing about. I am not perfect, and admit there was a time not so long ago I too would have judged him.
11 Nov 2024 15:50
I am having a rough day. I sit here and cry and cry. I don't know how to heal from my life. There is so much damage and hurt that I don't know how to heal it. Do you take one thing at a time? Do you just throw it all out? I am at a loss but I am hurting.
28 Oct 2024 16:17
Today I was reminded of another situation that was very traumatic for me. About 10 years ago or so at 2am in the morning I hear the dog barking and this heavy banging on my front door. Keep in mind, we never used the front door only the back. At the time of this incident I could not even actually open the front door. I looked out the living room window to see the RCMP (cops) I started shaking and panicking. Police banging on your door at 2am is NEVER a good thing. I opened the window to speak to them and explain why I could not open the door. They were asking for my eldest daughter. I don't remember every word that was exchanged but remember thinking in the moment what the hell has she done now. I also remember the female officer being very snippy and short with me. She proceeded to tell me that the suicide hotline had received a call from my oldest saying she was going to kill herself. Let me tell you the shaking I had prior to this moment was nothing compared to how my body was now reacting. I asked the officers to come around the back and come in. I had been talking to the eldest just a few hours before and she seemed fine but I called her right then, with the police present. She again was fine and was just as puzzled as I was. Then my mind shifted. My second oldest was in a horrible relationship at the time and often struggled with wanting to die. I mentioned to police if maybe it was her and maybe she was afraid to give her own name. It was the only thing that made sense at the time. I am freaking out! I tried to call her no answer. I am in a state let me tell you. The police got her address from me and sent officers out to visit her. They told me they would update me after that visit happened and went on their way. I am not sure if they ever followed up as promised but I did eventually hear from my daughter who was also fine. To this day I am not sure on what happened here. Was someone prank calling the suicide hotline? Was someone in serious trouble and fearful to give their info so they gave my daughters? Her name is very unique so it is VERY unlikely to have been someone with the same name. It had to have been someone who knew her or knew of her. Whatever happened early that morning we will never know but I do know what happened within me thinking my daughter was going to or had already offed herself will live on in me forever.
28 Oct 2024 16:14
Some time ago I stopped drinking coffee. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loved my coffee, morning, noon, night. It was not ever a bad time for me to drink coffee. Well since last winter coffee wasn't tasting right to me, but I still tried to work it out. Switched brands of coffee, went from pods to ground to whole beans. Switched coffee machines you name it, I done it...unsuccessfully. I finally stopped drinking coffee at all. I have tried but nope coffee isn't one bit appealing. Recently the same is happening with food. Yes food! Nothing appeals to me nor do anything taste good. Today I feel defeated. I made myself some unhealthy homemade french fries with gravy. I could not wait to dig in. Then I took the first bite, nope not good. I know they are the most yummy thing yet they taste blah. It's not my that taste buds are gone, as I can distinguish between the fries, gravy and vinegar, it just does not taste good to me, at all. I may have cried a little (or alot). It is becoming a battle every day with what to eat. As if I did not already have enough going on. This is not helping my mental state. I now have to force feed myself something that is unappealing just to get nourishment.
16 Oct 2024 16:28
It has been a while, yet again. I have always thought the times I went a while between one journal writing to the next was because I was doing poorly, or had nothing to write about. I recently discovered it is actually because I am in an “avoidance” state. I tune myself out, I don't want to feel, I don't want to think, I just want to be. The past few weeks have been HARD! I wish I could “shake it off” and be perfect. That do not happen in real life no matter how many times someone may tell you to do so.
23 Sept 2024 20:32
I am struggling right now. There I said it! I think I mentioned before how the anger emotion is coming out of me. Is it ever coming out of me and I would not want to be on the receiving end of it. It is ugly, hateful and awful. Not who I want to be. I hate it so much. I do not know how to deal with it. My recent “good” therapist is not consistent and I feel like when ever I need someone, like really need someone, there is no one. Getting a regular appointment with her is proving difficult lately. I am sure in my file it is somehow listed that I am unwilling etc....For fuck sakes I am trying. I have been trying. Fighting my way through the darkest of days, hanging by a thread, begging for help. Like everything else in my life I am not a priority, only an after thought. I am a number and a paycheck. That's it!
23 Sept 2024 20:26
At what point does one say fuck it and give up? I do not for life of me understand why I haven't done that yet. Even after all this time and the hard work I have poured into myself I am about ready to give up. It is where my mind brings me today. Why am I still here trying, trying to heal pains that keep coming, new ones, old ones. New worries and old ones. Today's addition is the real possibility of homelessness. My landlord has reached out to say he has to increase the rent. I am not mad at him, nor do I blame him. I understand. I also understand I can not really afford what I am paying now so an increase will be near impossible, given the circumstances of my life currently. It sucks. Why am I trying? For what? I have nothing, no where I feel safe enough to go to and no mode of transportation. I do not go outside and can not “just get over it'. I found some “joy” in planning a change to my bedroom. I began gathering and gutting. Now the Universe is like no fuck you, instead you shall become homeless. Try that out for a while and see the improvement in your mental health; not happening. Someone please give me a reason to keep going because if we are being real here I have nothing to keep going for. I had the desire but I feel like that is fading fast as well.
23 Sept 2024 20:24
The mental health system continues to fail people of this province. There are so many people out there desperate for help, people who are working very hard to heal and become better and we have a system that continuously turns their backs on them.
17 Sept 2024 14:00
As part of my healing I find myself opening up more. In a recent conversation, while trying to explain the dynamics between my mother and I, the person I was chatting with says “ so she don't know you?”
14 Sept 2024 18:46
I am currently feeling VERY heavy. I feel like I am surrounded by a cloud of tension. Lil bit and I had a bit of a confuffle this afternoon. She was grooming the dog and I was needed to help. I sat to the table doing basically nothing but tried to hold the dog still on occasion. I mean honestly I was useless but I was told I needed to be there. At some point the electric clippers died. They needed to be recharged. I knew finding the cord was going to be an issue. So my entire being tensed up right away. The last time the dog was groomed using the clippers the cord was left hanging out of the wall. I am not placing blame here as I could have been the one to have left it. Irrelevant as to who, it was 100% left hanging out of the wall instead on put back where it belonged. I digress. I hopped up immediately and went on a hunt for the cord. Trying to ward of the certain disaster my mind told me was ahead of me if I did not locate it. While looking through piles and piles of stuff just placed in stacks about my room, and drawers I recall having seen it recently. Not sure what I done with it. I remember looking at it and having no clue what it belonged to and am now thinking if it was a day where my mind was on gutting this place I could have very well thrown it out. I admitted that to lil bit and she had no reaction at all to the clipper issue. The no negative response then triggered my brain that I have the all clear. Whew crisis diverted...WRONG! I then proceeded to the table area to get an air freshener I forgot I had. I began opening the package and it was noisy and it unsettled the dog and lil bit shot me a look of pure disgust. All circuits shorted within me, and the anger started to flow. I threw the package on the table and walked away. I can not remember EXACTLY how the conversation went after that. I did say something about how she looks at me with such disgust. She thanked me for saying that (as she often does when I say this) Let me be clear...I am not calling her disgusting. I am not saying her face is disgusting I am saying the look on her face makes me feel like I am disgusting and that she hates the entirety of my existence. I understand how that could trigger me. I don't like that it does and hate how it feels. I then thanked her for making me feel disgusting. (childish? Yes. Did I do it YES) She then said something about believing I make things up in my head. I replied yup that is what I do , spend all my days making stuff up in my head. She parted ways. Then the tension filled the room, that I am currently alone in. I hate these feelings and when they are happening in my own home, my one safe space I can not even begin to process the emotions. I did message lil bit to apologize. She eventually came out and thanked ,me for the apology. I then tried to explain why what had happened, happened. It wasn't her it was ME. I took ownership. She then told me she was happy I reached out because if not she was gonna have to be the one to come to me and say we have issues we need to discuss. I again explained through tears again why these things trigger me. I never know what, where or when. For me, an adult facing CPTSD, all the battles within myself are due to being made feel less than, not enough, disgusting, bad, useless, not good enough, not worthy, and the list could go on. So I am recently noticing that I feel it all, and when current situations stirs these feelings inside me anger jumps out of me. I guess it is the FIGHT mode or that I am literally bursting at the seams. Lil bit made it seem like there were other issues that need to be discussed but when I asked she refused to go anywhere with it because of “this”( my crying emotional mess). She packed up her stuff (phone, water bottle etc...) and headed to her room with door closed. I sit here replaying it all over in my head. Feeling bad I may have hurt her. I have cried as the pain I feel buried deep within tries to surface. The cloud of tension all around me and I have no where to run. I am trapped!
9 Sept 2024 22:34
“I don't ask why, I ask why not”. A quote from Dr. Phil that has always stuck with me. My thoughts today bring me to this. 7 weeks watching and waiting for my dad to die in a palliative care room. Also looking at and watching the one picture of a grandchild sit by his death bed and watch that grandchild be praised to everyone who entered. That grandchild, my nephew is also my daughters abuser. It is my fault this hurt me as I didn't tell my parents about this abuse. Some how we didn't want to cause the devastation in my parents. I always thought the child and I wanted this. Now I realize that may have been my mind. Maybe I didn't want to put it on them or perhaps I did not want to deal with it. Either way it happened and it added a layer to the 7 weeks. During this time my new to me car, that my dad had purchased from his friend a few short months before, was breaking down. I later learned the car was useless. I wasn't bringing this issue into the room so I placed it nicely beside the picture, deep within my being. My mother was cracking under all the goings on with dad and was acting crazy at times. So of course I opened myself up and placed that with the picture and the car. All the while my teenage daughter was at home alone raising herself for the most part. I was a better mother than that, I know and knew better. At that time though it went inside on that shelf with the picture, car, and my moms crazy. Now, as I reflect back, and beat myself up for, my teenaged daughter who was left alone by ME was also being lured, exploited and abused by someone we trusted. Someone we looked at like family. A person of authority. (Wow that was a lot. As I wrote that the hairs on the back of neck stood to attention. A person of authority, said nephew abuser went on to be a member of a police force. Had I done the right thing at the time, a police officer he would not have become) So why would I not be where I am today based on those 7 weeks alone. There were other stressors as well, I was off work without pay for almost the entirety of those 7 weeks. The mental game of waiting in a hospital for someone to die. The guilt when you had moments of wishing it would happen. Seeing people around us (other rooms) come and go, rather quickly and we waited. So yah, I am learning piece by piece how I got here. I still question how I made it this far. How did I even survive to reach the perfect storm? That thought blows my mind. I have to be something, strong, eh I dunno. Maybe its just best to say I am something! With hope, one day I can add the word special to it and believe it!
9 Sept 2024 01:28
Tonight I reflect on what I call “The Perfect Storm”. It was (is) a storm that has been brewing since I was in my mothers womb. It grew with me through childhood. It gained some great momentum through the teenage years and robbed me of myself in early adulthood/motherhood. Each phase of my life picked up debris, as you would imagine a tornado would do. I thought many times that the storm had reached its peak, little did I know that it was only just beginning to spin out of control. Then when I least expected, I had maintained control over this monstrosity my entire life, the stars aligned. Not in a good way! (not that I can see clearly, yet anyway).
9 Sept 2024 01:22
My mother told me a story recently and it has really bothered me ever since. She said she was at the pharmacy recently and a man, that she described as nice looking, well dressed and well kept, went to the counter to pick up medication for the children. The pharmacist asked him if the kids were sick again. This sent him on an ugly rant, according to my mother. Those effing children are always sick, they are arseholes and nothing but trouble. He said it like he meant it with such anger and hate. It was clear to me that we were expected to name call this man, judge him and say how awful he is. However, I do not feel any of these things about this man I know nothing about. I am not perfect, and admit there was a time not so long ago I too would have judged him.
11 Nov 2024 15:50
I am having a rough day. I sit here and cry and cry. I don't know how to heal from my life. There is so much damage and hurt that I don't know how to heal it. Do you take one thing at a time? Do you just throw it all out? I am at a loss but I am hurting.
28 Oct 2024 16:17
Today I was reminded of another situation that was very traumatic for me. About 10 years ago or so at 2am in the morning I hear the dog barking and this heavy banging on my front door. Keep in mind, we never used the front door only the back. At the time of this incident I could not even actually open the front door. I looked out the living room window to see the RCMP (cops) I started shaking and panicking. Police banging on your door at 2am is NEVER a good thing. I opened the window to speak to them and explain why I could not open the door. They were asking for my eldest daughter. I don't remember every word that was exchanged but remember thinking in the moment what the hell has she done now. I also remember the female officer being very snippy and short with me. She proceeded to tell me that the suicide hotline had received a call from my oldest saying she was going to kill herself. Let me tell you the shaking I had prior to this moment was nothing compared to how my body was now reacting. I asked the officers to come around the back and come in. I had been talking to the eldest just a few hours before and she seemed fine but I called her right then, with the police present. She again was fine and was just as puzzled as I was. Then my mind shifted. My second oldest was in a horrible relationship at the time and often struggled with wanting to die. I mentioned to police if maybe it was her and maybe she was afraid to give her own name. It was the only thing that made sense at the time. I am freaking out! I tried to call her no answer. I am in a state let me tell you. The police got her address from me and sent officers out to visit her. They told me they would update me after that visit happened and went on their way. I am not sure if they ever followed up as promised but I did eventually hear from my daughter who was also fine. To this day I am not sure on what happened here. Was someone prank calling the suicide hotline? Was someone in serious trouble and fearful to give their info so they gave my daughters? Her name is very unique so it is VERY unlikely to have been someone with the same name. It had to have been someone who knew her or knew of her. Whatever happened early that morning we will never know but I do know what happened within me thinking my daughter was going to or had already offed herself will live on in me forever.
28 Oct 2024 16:14
Some time ago I stopped drinking coffee. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loved my coffee, morning, noon, night. It was not ever a bad time for me to drink coffee. Well since last winter coffee wasn't tasting right to me, but I still tried to work it out. Switched brands of coffee, went from pods to ground to whole beans. Switched coffee machines you name it, I done it...unsuccessfully. I finally stopped drinking coffee at all. I have tried but nope coffee isn't one bit appealing. Recently the same is happening with food. Yes food! Nothing appeals to me nor do anything taste good. Today I feel defeated. I made myself some unhealthy homemade french fries with gravy. I could not wait to dig in. Then I took the first bite, nope not good. I know they are the most yummy thing yet they taste blah. It's not my that taste buds are gone, as I can distinguish between the fries, gravy and vinegar, it just does not taste good to me, at all. I may have cried a little (or alot). It is becoming a battle every day with what to eat. As if I did not already have enough going on. This is not helping my mental state. I now have to force feed myself something that is unappealing just to get nourishment.
16 Oct 2024 16:28
It has been a while, yet again. I have always thought the times I went a while between one journal writing to the next was because I was doing poorly, or had nothing to write about. I recently discovered it is actually because I am in an “avoidance” state. I tune myself out, I don't want to feel, I don't want to think, I just want to be. The past few weeks have been HARD! I wish I could “shake it off” and be perfect. That do not happen in real life no matter how many times someone may tell you to do so.
23 Sept 2024 20:32
I am struggling right now. There I said it! I think I mentioned before how the anger emotion is coming out of me. Is it ever coming out of me and I would not want to be on the receiving end of it. It is ugly, hateful and awful. Not who I want to be. I hate it so much. I do not know how to deal with it. My recent “good” therapist is not consistent and I feel like when ever I need someone, like really need someone, there is no one. Getting a regular appointment with her is proving difficult lately. I am sure in my file it is somehow listed that I am unwilling etc....For fuck sakes I am trying. I have been trying. Fighting my way through the darkest of days, hanging by a thread, begging for help. Like everything else in my life I am not a priority, only an after thought. I am a number and a paycheck. That's it!
23 Sept 2024 20:26
At what point does one say fuck it and give up? I do not for life of me understand why I haven't done that yet. Even after all this time and the hard work I have poured into myself I am about ready to give up. It is where my mind brings me today. Why am I still here trying, trying to heal pains that keep coming, new ones, old ones. New worries and old ones. Today's addition is the real possibility of homelessness. My landlord has reached out to say he has to increase the rent. I am not mad at him, nor do I blame him. I understand. I also understand I can not really afford what I am paying now so an increase will be near impossible, given the circumstances of my life currently. It sucks. Why am I trying? For what? I have nothing, no where I feel safe enough to go to and no mode of transportation. I do not go outside and can not “just get over it'. I found some “joy” in planning a change to my bedroom. I began gathering and gutting. Now the Universe is like no fuck you, instead you shall become homeless. Try that out for a while and see the improvement in your mental health; not happening. Someone please give me a reason to keep going because if we are being real here I have nothing to keep going for. I had the desire but I feel like that is fading fast as well.
23 Sept 2024 20:24
The mental health system continues to fail people of this province. There are so many people out there desperate for help, people who are working very hard to heal and become better and we have a system that continuously turns their backs on them.
17 Sept 2024 14:00
As part of my healing I find myself opening up more. In a recent conversation, while trying to explain the dynamics between my mother and I, the person I was chatting with says “ so she don't know you?”
14 Sept 2024 18:46
I am currently feeling VERY heavy. I feel like I am surrounded by a cloud of tension. Lil bit and I had a bit of a confuffle this afternoon. She was grooming the dog and I was needed to help. I sat to the table doing basically nothing but tried to hold the dog still on occasion. I mean honestly I was useless but I was told I needed to be there. At some point the electric clippers died. They needed to be recharged. I knew finding the cord was going to be an issue. So my entire being tensed up right away. The last time the dog was groomed using the clippers the cord was left hanging out of the wall. I am not placing blame here as I could have been the one to have left it. Irrelevant as to who, it was 100% left hanging out of the wall instead on put back where it belonged. I digress. I hopped up immediately and went on a hunt for the cord. Trying to ward of the certain disaster my mind told me was ahead of me if I did not locate it. While looking through piles and piles of stuff just placed in stacks about my room, and drawers I recall having seen it recently. Not sure what I done with it. I remember looking at it and having no clue what it belonged to and am now thinking if it was a day where my mind was on gutting this place I could have very well thrown it out. I admitted that to lil bit and she had no reaction at all to the clipper issue. The no negative response then triggered my brain that I have the all clear. Whew crisis diverted...WRONG! I then proceeded to the table area to get an air freshener I forgot I had. I began opening the package and it was noisy and it unsettled the dog and lil bit shot me a look of pure disgust. All circuits shorted within me, and the anger started to flow. I threw the package on the table and walked away. I can not remember EXACTLY how the conversation went after that. I did say something about how she looks at me with such disgust. She thanked me for saying that (as she often does when I say this) Let me be clear...I am not calling her disgusting. I am not saying her face is disgusting I am saying the look on her face makes me feel like I am disgusting and that she hates the entirety of my existence. I understand how that could trigger me. I don't like that it does and hate how it feels. I then thanked her for making me feel disgusting. (childish? Yes. Did I do it YES) She then said something about believing I make things up in my head. I replied yup that is what I do , spend all my days making stuff up in my head. She parted ways. Then the tension filled the room, that I am currently alone in. I hate these feelings and when they are happening in my own home, my one safe space I can not even begin to process the emotions. I did message lil bit to apologize. She eventually came out and thanked ,me for the apology. I then tried to explain why what had happened, happened. It wasn't her it was ME. I took ownership. She then told me she was happy I reached out because if not she was gonna have to be the one to come to me and say we have issues we need to discuss. I again explained through tears again why these things trigger me. I never know what, where or when. For me, an adult facing CPTSD, all the battles within myself are due to being made feel less than, not enough, disgusting, bad, useless, not good enough, not worthy, and the list could go on. So I am recently noticing that I feel it all, and when current situations stirs these feelings inside me anger jumps out of me. I guess it is the FIGHT mode or that I am literally bursting at the seams. Lil bit made it seem like there were other issues that need to be discussed but when I asked she refused to go anywhere with it because of “this”( my crying emotional mess). She packed up her stuff (phone, water bottle etc...) and headed to her room with door closed. I sit here replaying it all over in my head. Feeling bad I may have hurt her. I have cried as the pain I feel buried deep within tries to surface. The cloud of tension all around me and I have no where to run. I am trapped!
9 Sept 2024 22:34
“I don't ask why, I ask why not”. A quote from Dr. Phil that has always stuck with me. My thoughts today bring me to this. 7 weeks watching and waiting for my dad to die in a palliative care room. Also looking at and watching the one picture of a grandchild sit by his death bed and watch that grandchild be praised to everyone who entered. That grandchild, my nephew is also my daughters abuser. It is my fault this hurt me as I didn't tell my parents about this abuse. Some how we didn't want to cause the devastation in my parents. I always thought the child and I wanted this. Now I realize that may have been my mind. Maybe I didn't want to put it on them or perhaps I did not want to deal with it. Either way it happened and it added a layer to the 7 weeks. During this time my new to me car, that my dad had purchased from his friend a few short months before, was breaking down. I later learned the car was useless. I wasn't bringing this issue into the room so I placed it nicely beside the picture, deep within my being. My mother was cracking under all the goings on with dad and was acting crazy at times. So of course I opened myself up and placed that with the picture and the car. All the while my teenage daughter was at home alone raising herself for the most part. I was a better mother than that, I know and knew better. At that time though it went inside on that shelf with the picture, car, and my moms crazy. Now, as I reflect back, and beat myself up for, my teenaged daughter who was left alone by ME was also being lured, exploited and abused by someone we trusted. Someone we looked at like family. A person of authority. (Wow that was a lot. As I wrote that the hairs on the back of neck stood to attention. A person of authority, said nephew abuser went on to be a member of a police force. Had I done the right thing at the time, a police officer he would not have become) So why would I not be where I am today based on those 7 weeks alone. There were other stressors as well, I was off work without pay for almost the entirety of those 7 weeks. The mental game of waiting in a hospital for someone to die. The guilt when you had moments of wishing it would happen. Seeing people around us (other rooms) come and go, rather quickly and we waited. So yah, I am learning piece by piece how I got here. I still question how I made it this far. How did I even survive to reach the perfect storm? That thought blows my mind. I have to be something, strong, eh I dunno. Maybe its just best to say I am something! With hope, one day I can add the word special to it and believe it!
9 Sept 2024 01:28
Tonight I reflect on what I call “The Perfect Storm”. It was (is) a storm that has been brewing since I was in my mothers womb. It grew with me through childhood. It gained some great momentum through the teenage years and robbed me of myself in early adulthood/motherhood. Each phase of my life picked up debris, as you would imagine a tornado would do. I thought many times that the storm had reached its peak, little did I know that it was only just beginning to spin out of control. Then when I least expected, I had maintained control over this monstrosity my entire life, the stars aligned. Not in a good way! (not that I can see clearly, yet anyway).
9 Sept 2024 01:22
My mother told me a story recently and it has really bothered me ever since. She said she was at the pharmacy recently and a man, that she described as nice looking, well dressed and well kept, went to the counter to pick up medication for the children. The pharmacist asked him if the kids were sick again. This sent him on an ugly rant, according to my mother. Those effing children are always sick, they are arseholes and nothing but trouble. He said it like he meant it with such anger and hate. It was clear to me that we were expected to name call this man, judge him and say how awful he is. However, I do not feel any of these things about this man I know nothing about. I am not perfect, and admit there was a time not so long ago I too would have judged him.