It has been a while, yet again. I have always thought the times I went a while between one journal writing to the next was because I was doing poorly, or had nothing to write about. I recently discovered it is actually because I am in an “avoidance” state. I tune myself out, I don't want to feel, I don't want to think, I just want to be. The past few weeks have been HARD! I wish I could “shake it off” and be perfect. That do not happen in real life no matter how many times someone may tell you to do so.

At what point does one say fuck it and give up? I do not for life of me understand why I haven't done that yet. Even after all this time and the hard work I have poured into myself I am about ready to give up. It is where my mind brings me today. Why am I still here trying, trying to heal pains that keep coming, new ones, old ones. New worries and old ones. Today's addition is the real possibility of homelessness. My landlord has reached out to say he has to increase the rent. I am not mad at him, nor do I blame him. I understand. I also understand I can not really afford what I am paying now so an increase will be near impossible, given the circumstances of my life currently. It sucks. Why am I trying? For what? I have nothing, no where I feel safe enough to go to and no mode of transportation. I do not go outside and can not “just get over it'. I found some “joy” in planning a change to my bedroom. I began gathering and gutting. Now the Universe is like no fuck you, instead you shall become homeless. Try that out for a while and see the improvement in your mental health; not happening. Someone please give me a reason to keep going because if we are being real here I have nothing to keep going for. I had the desire but I feel like that is fading fast as well.

The mental health system continues to fail people of this province. There are so many people out there desperate for help, people who are working very hard to heal and become better and we have a system that continuously turns their backs on them.

I am currently feeling VERY heavy. I feel like I am surrounded by a cloud of tension. Lil bit and I had a bit of a confuffle this afternoon. She was grooming the dog and I was needed to help. I sat to the table doing basically nothing but tried to hold the dog still on occasion. I mean honestly I was useless but I was told I needed to be there. At some point the electric clippers died. They needed to be recharged. I knew finding the cord was going to be an issue. So my entire being tensed up right away. The last time the dog was groomed using the clippers the cord was left hanging out of the wall. I am not placing blame here as I could have been the one to have left it. Irrelevant as to who, it was 100% left hanging out of the wall instead on put back where it belonged. I digress. I hopped up immediately and went on a hunt for the cord. Trying to ward of the certain disaster my mind told me was ahead of me if I did not locate it. While looking through piles and piles of stuff just placed in stacks about my room, and drawers I recall having seen it recently. Not sure what I done with it. I remember looking at it and having no clue what it belonged to and am now thinking if it was a day where my mind was on gutting this place I could have very well thrown it out. I admitted that to lil bit and she had no reaction at all to the clipper issue. The no negative response then triggered my brain that I have the all clear. Whew crisis diverted...WRONG! I then proceeded to the table area to get an air freshener I forgot I had. I began opening the package and it was noisy and it unsettled the dog and lil bit shot me a look of pure disgust. All circuits shorted within me, and the anger started to flow. I threw the package on the table and walked away. I can not remember EXACTLY how the conversation went after that. I did say something about how she looks at me with such disgust. She thanked me for saying that (as she often does when I say this) Let me be clear...I am not calling her disgusting. I am not saying her face is disgusting I am saying the look on her face makes me feel like I am disgusting and that she hates the entirety of my existence. I understand how that could trigger me. I don't like that it does and hate how it feels. I then thanked her for making me feel disgusting. (childish? Yes. Did I do it YES) She then said something about believing I make things up in my head. I replied yup that is what I do , spend all my days making stuff up in my head. She parted ways. Then the tension filled the room, that I am currently alone in. I hate these feelings and when they are happening in my own home, my one safe space I can not even begin to process the emotions. I did message lil bit to apologize. She eventually came out and thanked ,me for the apology. I then tried to explain why what had happened, happened. It wasn't her it was ME. I took ownership. She then told me she was happy I reached out because if not she was gonna have to be the one to come to me and say we have issues we need to discuss. I again explained through tears again why these things trigger me. I never know what, where or when. For me, an adult facing CPTSD, all the battles within myself are due to being made feel less than, not enough, disgusting, bad, useless, not good enough, not worthy, and the list could go on. So I am recently noticing that I feel it all, and when current situations stirs these feelings inside me anger jumps out of me. I guess it is the FIGHT mode or that I am literally bursting at the seams. Lil bit made it seem like there were other issues that need to be discussed but when I asked she refused to go anywhere with it because of “this”( my crying emotional mess). She packed up her stuff (phone, water bottle etc...) and headed to her room with door closed. I sit here replaying it all over in my head. Feeling bad I may have hurt her. I have cried as the pain I feel buried deep within tries to surface. The cloud of tension all around me and I have no where to run. I am trapped!

My mother told me a story recently and it has really bothered me ever since. She said she was at the pharmacy recently and a man, that she described as nice looking, well dressed and well kept, went to the counter to pick up medication for the children. The pharmacist asked him if the kids were sick again. This sent him on an ugly rant, according to my mother. Those effing children are always sick, they are arseholes and nothing but trouble. He said it like he meant it with such anger and hate. It was clear to me that we were expected to name call this man, judge him and say how awful he is. However, I do not feel any of these things about this man I know nothing about. I am not perfect, and admit there was a time not so long ago I too would have judged him.

Sometimes I forget that my daughter has suffered traumatic injury.

Triggers: 

It has been a while, yet again. I have always thought the times I went a while between one journal writing to the next was because I was doing poorly, or had nothing to write about. I recently discovered it is actually because I am in an “avoidance” state. I tune myself out, I don't want to feel, I don't want to think, I just want to be. The past few weeks have been HARD! I wish I could “shake it off” and be perfect. That do not happen in real life no matter how many times someone may tell you to do so.

At what point does one say fuck it and give up? I do not for life of me understand why I haven't done that yet. Even after all this time and the hard work I have poured into myself I am about ready to give up. It is where my mind brings me today. Why am I still here trying, trying to heal pains that keep coming, new ones, old ones. New worries and old ones. Today's addition is the real possibility of homelessness. My landlord has reached out to say he has to increase the rent. I am not mad at him, nor do I blame him. I understand. I also understand I can not really afford what I am paying now so an increase will be near impossible, given the circumstances of my life currently. It sucks. Why am I trying? For what? I have nothing, no where I feel safe enough to go to and no mode of transportation. I do not go outside and can not “just get over it'. I found some “joy” in planning a change to my bedroom. I began gathering and gutting. Now the Universe is like no fuck you, instead you shall become homeless. Try that out for a while and see the improvement in your mental health; not happening. Someone please give me a reason to keep going because if we are being real here I have nothing to keep going for. I had the desire but I feel like that is fading fast as well.

The mental health system continues to fail people of this province. There are so many people out there desperate for help, people who are working very hard to heal and become better and we have a system that continuously turns their backs on them.

I am currently feeling VERY heavy. I feel like I am surrounded by a cloud of tension. Lil bit and I had a bit of a confuffle this afternoon. She was grooming the dog and I was needed to help. I sat to the table doing basically nothing but tried to hold the dog still on occasion. I mean honestly I was useless but I was told I needed to be there. At some point the electric clippers died. They needed to be recharged. I knew finding the cord was going to be an issue. So my entire being tensed up right away. The last time the dog was groomed using the clippers the cord was left hanging out of the wall. I am not placing blame here as I could have been the one to have left it. Irrelevant as to who, it was 100% left hanging out of the wall instead on put back where it belonged. I digress. I hopped up immediately and went on a hunt for the cord. Trying to ward of the certain disaster my mind told me was ahead of me if I did not locate it. While looking through piles and piles of stuff just placed in stacks about my room, and drawers I recall having seen it recently. Not sure what I done with it. I remember looking at it and having no clue what it belonged to and am now thinking if it was a day where my mind was on gutting this place I could have very well thrown it out. I admitted that to lil bit and she had no reaction at all to the clipper issue. The no negative response then triggered my brain that I have the all clear. Whew crisis diverted...WRONG! I then proceeded to the table area to get an air freshener I forgot I had. I began opening the package and it was noisy and it unsettled the dog and lil bit shot me a look of pure disgust. All circuits shorted within me, and the anger started to flow. I threw the package on the table and walked away. I can not remember EXACTLY how the conversation went after that. I did say something about how she looks at me with such disgust. She thanked me for saying that (as she often does when I say this) Let me be clear...I am not calling her disgusting. I am not saying her face is disgusting I am saying the look on her face makes me feel like I am disgusting and that she hates the entirety of my existence. I understand how that could trigger me. I don't like that it does and hate how it feels. I then thanked her for making me feel disgusting. (childish? Yes. Did I do it YES) She then said something about believing I make things up in my head. I replied yup that is what I do , spend all my days making stuff up in my head. She parted ways. Then the tension filled the room, that I am currently alone in. I hate these feelings and when they are happening in my own home, my one safe space I can not even begin to process the emotions. I did message lil bit to apologize. She eventually came out and thanked ,me for the apology. I then tried to explain why what had happened, happened. It wasn't her it was ME. I took ownership. She then told me she was happy I reached out because if not she was gonna have to be the one to come to me and say we have issues we need to discuss. I again explained through tears again why these things trigger me. I never know what, where or when. For me, an adult facing CPTSD, all the battles within myself are due to being made feel less than, not enough, disgusting, bad, useless, not good enough, not worthy, and the list could go on. So I am recently noticing that I feel it all, and when current situations stirs these feelings inside me anger jumps out of me. I guess it is the FIGHT mode or that I am literally bursting at the seams. Lil bit made it seem like there were other issues that need to be discussed but when I asked she refused to go anywhere with it because of “this”( my crying emotional mess). She packed up her stuff (phone, water bottle etc...) and headed to her room with door closed. I sit here replaying it all over in my head. Feeling bad I may have hurt her. I have cried as the pain I feel buried deep within tries to surface. The cloud of tension all around me and I have no where to run. I am trapped!

My mother told me a story recently and it has really bothered me ever since. She said she was at the pharmacy recently and a man, that she described as nice looking, well dressed and well kept, went to the counter to pick up medication for the children. The pharmacist asked him if the kids were sick again. This sent him on an ugly rant, according to my mother. Those effing children are always sick, they are arseholes and nothing but trouble. He said it like he meant it with such anger and hate. It was clear to me that we were expected to name call this man, judge him and say how awful he is. However, I do not feel any of these things about this man I know nothing about. I am not perfect, and admit there was a time not so long ago I too would have judged him.

Sometimes I forget that my daughter has suffered traumatic injury.

Triggers: 

It has been a while, yet again. I have always thought the times I went a while between one journal writing to the next was because I was doing poorly, or had nothing to write about. I recently discovered it is actually because I am in an “avoidance” state. I tune myself out, I don't want to feel, I don't want to think, I just want to be. The past few weeks have been HARD! I wish I could “shake it off” and be perfect. That do not happen in real life no matter how many times someone may tell you to do so.

At what point does one say fuck it and give up? I do not for life of me understand why I haven't done that yet. Even after all this time and the hard work I have poured into myself I am about ready to give up. It is where my mind brings me today. Why am I still here trying, trying to heal pains that keep coming, new ones, old ones. New worries and old ones. Today's addition is the real possibility of homelessness. My landlord has reached out to say he has to increase the rent. I am not mad at him, nor do I blame him. I understand. I also understand I can not really afford what I am paying now so an increase will be near impossible, given the circumstances of my life currently. It sucks. Why am I trying? For what? I have nothing, no where I feel safe enough to go to and no mode of transportation. I do not go outside and can not “just get over it'. I found some “joy” in planning a change to my bedroom. I began gathering and gutting. Now the Universe is like no fuck you, instead you shall become homeless. Try that out for a while and see the improvement in your mental health; not happening. Someone please give me a reason to keep going because if we are being real here I have nothing to keep going for. I had the desire but I feel like that is fading fast as well.

The mental health system continues to fail people of this province. There are so many people out there desperate for help, people who are working very hard to heal and become better and we have a system that continuously turns their backs on them.

I am currently feeling VERY heavy. I feel like I am surrounded by a cloud of tension. Lil bit and I had a bit of a confuffle this afternoon. She was grooming the dog and I was needed to help. I sat to the table doing basically nothing but tried to hold the dog still on occasion. I mean honestly I was useless but I was told I needed to be there. At some point the electric clippers died. They needed to be recharged. I knew finding the cord was going to be an issue. So my entire being tensed up right away. The last time the dog was groomed using the clippers the cord was left hanging out of the wall. I am not placing blame here as I could have been the one to have left it. Irrelevant as to who, it was 100% left hanging out of the wall instead on put back where it belonged. I digress. I hopped up immediately and went on a hunt for the cord. Trying to ward of the certain disaster my mind told me was ahead of me if I did not locate it. While looking through piles and piles of stuff just placed in stacks about my room, and drawers I recall having seen it recently. Not sure what I done with it. I remember looking at it and having no clue what it belonged to and am now thinking if it was a day where my mind was on gutting this place I could have very well thrown it out. I admitted that to lil bit and she had no reaction at all to the clipper issue. The no negative response then triggered my brain that I have the all clear. Whew crisis diverted...WRONG! I then proceeded to the table area to get an air freshener I forgot I had. I began opening the package and it was noisy and it unsettled the dog and lil bit shot me a look of pure disgust. All circuits shorted within me, and the anger started to flow. I threw the package on the table and walked away. I can not remember EXACTLY how the conversation went after that. I did say something about how she looks at me with such disgust. She thanked me for saying that (as she often does when I say this) Let me be clear...I am not calling her disgusting. I am not saying her face is disgusting I am saying the look on her face makes me feel like I am disgusting and that she hates the entirety of my existence. I understand how that could trigger me. I don't like that it does and hate how it feels. I then thanked her for making me feel disgusting. (childish? Yes. Did I do it YES) She then said something about believing I make things up in my head. I replied yup that is what I do , spend all my days making stuff up in my head. She parted ways. Then the tension filled the room, that I am currently alone in. I hate these feelings and when they are happening in my own home, my one safe space I can not even begin to process the emotions. I did message lil bit to apologize. She eventually came out and thanked ,me for the apology. I then tried to explain why what had happened, happened. It wasn't her it was ME. I took ownership. She then told me she was happy I reached out because if not she was gonna have to be the one to come to me and say we have issues we need to discuss. I again explained through tears again why these things trigger me. I never know what, where or when. For me, an adult facing CPTSD, all the battles within myself are due to being made feel less than, not enough, disgusting, bad, useless, not good enough, not worthy, and the list could go on. So I am recently noticing that I feel it all, and when current situations stirs these feelings inside me anger jumps out of me. I guess it is the FIGHT mode or that I am literally bursting at the seams. Lil bit made it seem like there were other issues that need to be discussed but when I asked she refused to go anywhere with it because of “this”( my crying emotional mess). She packed up her stuff (phone, water bottle etc...) and headed to her room with door closed. I sit here replaying it all over in my head. Feeling bad I may have hurt her. I have cried as the pain I feel buried deep within tries to surface. The cloud of tension all around me and I have no where to run. I am trapped!

My mother told me a story recently and it has really bothered me ever since. She said she was at the pharmacy recently and a man, that she described as nice looking, well dressed and well kept, went to the counter to pick up medication for the children. The pharmacist asked him if the kids were sick again. This sent him on an ugly rant, according to my mother. Those effing children are always sick, they are arseholes and nothing but trouble. He said it like he meant it with such anger and hate. It was clear to me that we were expected to name call this man, judge him and say how awful he is. However, I do not feel any of these things about this man I know nothing about. I am not perfect, and admit there was a time not so long ago I too would have judged him.

Sometimes I forget that my daughter has suffered traumatic injury.

Triggers: