Existing. That is what I am doing. I get up everyday just to exist. Existing isn't living. When you live you get up each day with a purpose, you choose happiness and do what you need to do to enjoy life. I don't even know what would make me happy, let alone experience it. This is getting old, fast! I just can not seem to function at all lately. I barely functioned before but I feel I am slipping. The pain is not helping. Showering is still a huge problem for me, It has been for a while but lately with the knee issues it is worse. Then I feel ashamed. I beat myself up. How hard is it to go take a shower. Why is there such a mental, physical and emotional block. I understand the concept of depression and how it relates to showering but I still do not get it.

I have been very bad at keeping up. I think I just took a break. A break from thinking, and feeling and being. I have been on autopilot, just functioning. Surviving each day has proven to be all I can muster lately. My knees have been terrible and this contributes to my being defeated. Stomach/bowel problems keep me in a blah no energy state. Yet here I am. Fighting! Trying! Yesterday I had so much hope for today. So many things I was going to accomplish and here I am doing everything I can not to go back to bed. (currently it is 1:30pm) Bad cramps woke me from my sleep this morning and then after a battle with the toilet I felt weak, sick and drained. (I did win this battle today unlike yesterday). I continuously think of all I wanted to accomplish today and then feel total defeat. I have to believe that it is ok if I do not get things done today. Tomorrow is a new day, Right? This battle in my head goes round and around. I feel useless and lazy. This contributes to the state of my mental health. The circle is vicious!

I thought none of the therapy I had been doing up until now had helped me but today I am realizing it has.

Just finished an early morning therapy appointment. My therapist seems to get more distracted with every session yet I keep going back. I really do not have a backbone! I did find a way to cut it short today. I just can't deal with it anymore. I have set up a future appointment but not sure for what. I feel like if I bring it up that I will only be told that I am wrong and that what I see and think and feel is happening during sessions is wrong. I am supposed to have a physio therapist and dietitian visit tomorrow but I am going to cancel that and reschedule for after trial. I just have to much going on right now and I am tired. To tired to prepare my home to welcome strangers. I have to do what is best for me and right now what is best is not stressing and scrambling to straighten up my home.

I just can not get out of my own way lately. I am in such a funk. No motivation, no energy, no desire to do anything. Tired all the stinking time. Just breathing is taking everything I have. Can not get through a day without going back to bed at least once. I fight it as much as I can but the exhaustion wins.

Just not feeling it this morning. Tired, in pain and unmotivated. I wish I knew how to shake these feelings. It is taking all that I have to not go climb in my bed.

Sometimes I feel so angry and defeated. Today is one of those days. I am currently sitting in a virtual room on Zoom waiting for my therapist that had a session with me today at 1:30. It is now 1:55 and no sign of him. I emailed him a short bit ago to see what is happening and got no response as of yet. This makes me so fucking angry. If i missed a session or did not show up it would not be looked upon kindly at all. It would be a failure on my part, irresponsible behavior. I have NEVER missed a session. I have fought what I needed to to ensure I always showed up. Yet I sit here being discarded and no explanation given. I am being made to feel like I do not matter. My time is not important. I am angry! It is now 2pm and 30 minutes passed my schedules time. How long does one sit and wait in a virtual room before giving up? I'll be honest, I didn't really feel like doing this today. I am having a bad stomach day, cramping etc but I showed up. I have other emails happening with the Journey project and Victim Services that I need to get to but I put it aside and I showed up. I know sometimes things happen but I feel I should have been notified if this appointment was not going to happen. I am going to close out the zoom now and focus on other things I need to do. Zoom over and out at 2:06.

I woke this morning just not “feeling it”.

Existing. That is what I am doing. I get up everyday just to exist. Existing isn't living. When you live you get up each day with a purpose, you choose happiness and do what you need to do to enjoy life. I don't even know what would make me happy, let alone experience it. This is getting old, fast! I just can not seem to function at all lately. I barely functioned before but I feel I am slipping. The pain is not helping. Showering is still a huge problem for me, It has been for a while but lately with the knee issues it is worse. Then I feel ashamed. I beat myself up. How hard is it to go take a shower. Why is there such a mental, physical and emotional block. I understand the concept of depression and how it relates to showering but I still do not get it.

I have been very bad at keeping up. I think I just took a break. A break from thinking, and feeling and being. I have been on autopilot, just functioning. Surviving each day has proven to be all I can muster lately. My knees have been terrible and this contributes to my being defeated. Stomach/bowel problems keep me in a blah no energy state. Yet here I am. Fighting! Trying! Yesterday I had so much hope for today. So many things I was going to accomplish and here I am doing everything I can not to go back to bed. (currently it is 1:30pm) Bad cramps woke me from my sleep this morning and then after a battle with the toilet I felt weak, sick and drained. (I did win this battle today unlike yesterday). I continuously think of all I wanted to accomplish today and then feel total defeat. I have to believe that it is ok if I do not get things done today. Tomorrow is a new day, Right? This battle in my head goes round and around. I feel useless and lazy. This contributes to the state of my mental health. The circle is vicious!

I thought none of the therapy I had been doing up until now had helped me but today I am realizing it has.

Just finished an early morning therapy appointment. My therapist seems to get more distracted with every session yet I keep going back. I really do not have a backbone! I did find a way to cut it short today. I just can't deal with it anymore. I have set up a future appointment but not sure for what. I feel like if I bring it up that I will only be told that I am wrong and that what I see and think and feel is happening during sessions is wrong. I am supposed to have a physio therapist and dietitian visit tomorrow but I am going to cancel that and reschedule for after trial. I just have to much going on right now and I am tired. To tired to prepare my home to welcome strangers. I have to do what is best for me and right now what is best is not stressing and scrambling to straighten up my home.

I just can not get out of my own way lately. I am in such a funk. No motivation, no energy, no desire to do anything. Tired all the stinking time. Just breathing is taking everything I have. Can not get through a day without going back to bed at least once. I fight it as much as I can but the exhaustion wins.

Just not feeling it this morning. Tired, in pain and unmotivated. I wish I knew how to shake these feelings. It is taking all that I have to not go climb in my bed.

Sometimes I feel so angry and defeated. Today is one of those days. I am currently sitting in a virtual room on Zoom waiting for my therapist that had a session with me today at 1:30. It is now 1:55 and no sign of him. I emailed him a short bit ago to see what is happening and got no response as of yet. This makes me so fucking angry. If i missed a session or did not show up it would not be looked upon kindly at all. It would be a failure on my part, irresponsible behavior. I have NEVER missed a session. I have fought what I needed to to ensure I always showed up. Yet I sit here being discarded and no explanation given. I am being made to feel like I do not matter. My time is not important. I am angry! It is now 2pm and 30 minutes passed my schedules time. How long does one sit and wait in a virtual room before giving up? I'll be honest, I didn't really feel like doing this today. I am having a bad stomach day, cramping etc but I showed up. I have other emails happening with the Journey project and Victim Services that I need to get to but I put it aside and I showed up. I know sometimes things happen but I feel I should have been notified if this appointment was not going to happen. I am going to close out the zoom now and focus on other things I need to do. Zoom over and out at 2:06.

I woke this morning just not “feeling it”.

Existing. That is what I am doing. I get up everyday just to exist. Existing isn't living. When you live you get up each day with a purpose, you choose happiness and do what you need to do to enjoy life. I don't even know what would make me happy, let alone experience it. This is getting old, fast! I just can not seem to function at all lately. I barely functioned before but I feel I am slipping. The pain is not helping. Showering is still a huge problem for me, It has been for a while but lately with the knee issues it is worse. Then I feel ashamed. I beat myself up. How hard is it to go take a shower. Why is there such a mental, physical and emotional block. I understand the concept of depression and how it relates to showering but I still do not get it.

I have been very bad at keeping up. I think I just took a break. A break from thinking, and feeling and being. I have been on autopilot, just functioning. Surviving each day has proven to be all I can muster lately. My knees have been terrible and this contributes to my being defeated. Stomach/bowel problems keep me in a blah no energy state. Yet here I am. Fighting! Trying! Yesterday I had so much hope for today. So many things I was going to accomplish and here I am doing everything I can not to go back to bed. (currently it is 1:30pm) Bad cramps woke me from my sleep this morning and then after a battle with the toilet I felt weak, sick and drained. (I did win this battle today unlike yesterday). I continuously think of all I wanted to accomplish today and then feel total defeat. I have to believe that it is ok if I do not get things done today. Tomorrow is a new day, Right? This battle in my head goes round and around. I feel useless and lazy. This contributes to the state of my mental health. The circle is vicious!

I thought none of the therapy I had been doing up until now had helped me but today I am realizing it has.

Just finished an early morning therapy appointment. My therapist seems to get more distracted with every session yet I keep going back. I really do not have a backbone! I did find a way to cut it short today. I just can't deal with it anymore. I have set up a future appointment but not sure for what. I feel like if I bring it up that I will only be told that I am wrong and that what I see and think and feel is happening during sessions is wrong. I am supposed to have a physio therapist and dietitian visit tomorrow but I am going to cancel that and reschedule for after trial. I just have to much going on right now and I am tired. To tired to prepare my home to welcome strangers. I have to do what is best for me and right now what is best is not stressing and scrambling to straighten up my home.

I just can not get out of my own way lately. I am in such a funk. No motivation, no energy, no desire to do anything. Tired all the stinking time. Just breathing is taking everything I have. Can not get through a day without going back to bed at least once. I fight it as much as I can but the exhaustion wins.

Just not feeling it this morning. Tired, in pain and unmotivated. I wish I knew how to shake these feelings. It is taking all that I have to not go climb in my bed.

Sometimes I feel so angry and defeated. Today is one of those days. I am currently sitting in a virtual room on Zoom waiting for my therapist that had a session with me today at 1:30. It is now 1:55 and no sign of him. I emailed him a short bit ago to see what is happening and got no response as of yet. This makes me so fucking angry. If i missed a session or did not show up it would not be looked upon kindly at all. It would be a failure on my part, irresponsible behavior. I have NEVER missed a session. I have fought what I needed to to ensure I always showed up. Yet I sit here being discarded and no explanation given. I am being made to feel like I do not matter. My time is not important. I am angry! It is now 2pm and 30 minutes passed my schedules time. How long does one sit and wait in a virtual room before giving up? I'll be honest, I didn't really feel like doing this today. I am having a bad stomach day, cramping etc but I showed up. I have other emails happening with the Journey project and Victim Services that I need to get to but I put it aside and I showed up. I know sometimes things happen but I feel I should have been notified if this appointment was not going to happen. I am going to close out the zoom now and focus on other things I need to do. Zoom over and out at 2:06.

I woke this morning just not “feeling it”.