Today is a little better. While my situation is still in the trenches I am trying not to allow myself to be down there with it. I am pretty sure I have just poked it away deep down inside me to deal with at another time. This is probably not the best way to handle it but what else can I do. I can not make phone calls or talk to anyone on a weekend. I have to put it away and decided to try not to dwell on or even think about it right now. It is still a ridiculous situation and hard to believe this can happen to someone in this country. I done dishes, made egg salad sandwiches and cooked bbq pork chops. I was feeling a bit of energy this morning and decided to do what I could in the event another crash is coming. We will at least eat today and I am choosing to take this as a win.

Today is bad, real bad. Fuck! Just when I was starting to come around. I have been reaching out for help all morning and finding there is none to be had. Still waiting on a couple call backs that may never arrive and am weighing the options for survival, that are available, given the circumstances in this moment. Jail or Die! I am not quitting just yet. I will hold through the weekend and see if those calls come next week. This country should be ashamed of how it treats its people. Canada was great but I promise you it is not anymore. It isn't even Canada really. I cant even wish to get out of here because that requires money, and not a little, it requires wealth. Come to think of it to be able to matter in this country also requires wealth and I have to be among the poorest in the land and therefore I do not matter. No one gives two flying fucks!

I am starting to believe that happiness is NOT my destiny. I have been fighting and fighting hard to get my mental state in a good place. I have been doing better despite a few bumps in the road and then today happened. I received a demand letter from the government of my province giving me 20 days to repay $13,654.61 in full. Let me tell you about this money I supposedly have to pay them. When life went to shit and caused my daughter an attempt on her life in November of 2021 I was taken off work for medical reasons. I had applied for sick benefits through employment insurance and received these about 8 weeks later. This also means I went 8 weeks without any income! They lasted for 15 weeks. It was 55% of my income so I got used to living on minimal. When these benefits ran out I had zero. I was then forced to go back to work but I could not with my mental condition return to the same job I had left. I searched long and hard and found a nice work from home job. I did that for about 7 months when my anxiety would not allow me to keep it going. Again I was taken off work and applied for and received medical employment insurance benefits. I got 15 weeks of benefits. I was just before the date where these benefits became a 26 week thing. That bought me some time but I did have to wait 4 or 5 weeks before starting to receive these benefits. I was advised by my medical team to apply for Canada Pension Disability. I did so knowing it would be a battle and a time consuming one at that. I refused to apply for “welfare” (income support) but was encouraged by my therapist to do so to ensure I had some income into the home while waiting the long wait for disability. So I did and was approved. I got approx 1000 per month plus they paid my power monthly. My rent alone is $800. I applied for Disability in March of 2022. Through all the jigs and reels and appeals process I was approved in July 2024 in the amount of $792 per month plus I have to pay taxes on that. I did get a back pay of $13,133.50. ( I currently we taxes on that money too) It was an exciting day and I could literally feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. Needless to say after all the years of struggles I had bills to pay. I owed $2400 for rent alone. As expected I was cut off my income support payments and told I could not apply again until July. While I do not understand that given the little amount of money I am receiving each month, I accepted that. Now I owe them more than I received in benefits and am not in receipt of income support. This makes zero sense to me. I thought the reason I was cut from these benefits was because I had that lump payment to live off of. Now it appears that I am expected to live on $792 a month, pay taxes on that and pay back a debt of more than I ever received. This is our Canada. They would rather see me dead than being able to survive. They would rather help my mental health decline than to assist in my healing by helping me to have a roof over my head or food in my belly. Tell me how the hell one is suppose to get over depression or anxiety living this way. This is why our suicide rates are so high. There is just no break. At all! One thing after another. I am battling and I am trying but for what? At what point does one say fuck it and give up? Oh Canada – Kindly Fuck off!

Today I feel spent! I went to bed early last night (10pm) and slept until my alarm went off at 7am. I had set my alarm to get up and take the garbage and recycling out. I got up and did just that. I think the stress is getting me today. My rent for this month is not paid yet. As each day passes and it is left unpaid I get more stressed about it. Lil bit is expecting a cheque in the mail today or tomorrow and that will cover what I don't have. My anxiety has me imagining and fearing my landlord showing up at my door. I can't do people. I can't do confrontation. I Can't! I just finished digging through my closet to see if I could find an old bottle of vape juice and no luck. It seems at a time when vape juice was plentiful I got rid of all the old stuff. I am kicking myself in the arse today as I am about to run out. I did find lots of cigarettes though. I really do not want to go back to ciggies but it is not looking good here. I am trying to convince myself that this is just a bump in the road. Just a bump in the road! Not all days can be good and while this is not a great one, it also isn't the worst so I will take that as a win.

Today was a pretty okay day. It started after 6 hours sleep at 7:15am. I wanted to go back to sleep but my body and mind were awake. No sense in fighting that. I read a chapter in my book (The Emotionally Absent Mother) and had therapy this afternoon. My therapist noticed a difference in my appearance. That was good for me. I started a sourdough starter today. That is something I have never done. I am excited to see how this project goes. I also found a nice little chair yoga/workout on you tube that I done this evening. I know I need some movement in my life and that walking to and from the bathroom (or fridge) is not enough.

Yesterday I was full of energy and accomplished many things. Today not so much! I feel like I need to go back to bed and start all over. My energy level is zero. My get up and go has left the building. I feel heavy. I do not want to watch anything. I do not want to play my game. I do not want to read. I do not want to do the dishes. I am in a spot of existing. I am trying to convince myself that a crash day after a good day is ok and to be honest I kind of expected as much after the great day yesterday. My main goal for today is to not let the negative thoughts take over. Tomorrow is a new day.

Four years ago today the bottom dropped out of my world. The days since then have been a constant battle of survival for me. Some of it a blur and some of it bringing gut wrenching pain. Today, however, I am happy to report I have had the best day I have had in 4 years! I woke up early this morning and immediately knew what day it was. This day, that date on the calendar did not get the best of me this year. There is something about knowing the monster that changed the trajectory of my life is behind bars. Over the holidays every time I would start to feel sad or down I would remind myself that HE the CONVICTED Pedophile is in jail. He is having Christmas dinner away from his family and behind bars. It brings me some resemblance of peace.

December 16, 2024

Today is a little better. While my situation is still in the trenches I am trying not to allow myself to be down there with it. I am pretty sure I have just poked it away deep down inside me to deal with at another time. This is probably not the best way to handle it but what else can I do. I can not make phone calls or talk to anyone on a weekend. I have to put it away and decided to try not to dwell on or even think about it right now. It is still a ridiculous situation and hard to believe this can happen to someone in this country. I done dishes, made egg salad sandwiches and cooked bbq pork chops. I was feeling a bit of energy this morning and decided to do what I could in the event another crash is coming. We will at least eat today and I am choosing to take this as a win.

Today is bad, real bad. Fuck! Just when I was starting to come around. I have been reaching out for help all morning and finding there is none to be had. Still waiting on a couple call backs that may never arrive and am weighing the options for survival, that are available, given the circumstances in this moment. Jail or Die! I am not quitting just yet. I will hold through the weekend and see if those calls come next week. This country should be ashamed of how it treats its people. Canada was great but I promise you it is not anymore. It isn't even Canada really. I cant even wish to get out of here because that requires money, and not a little, it requires wealth. Come to think of it to be able to matter in this country also requires wealth and I have to be among the poorest in the land and therefore I do not matter. No one gives two flying fucks!

I am starting to believe that happiness is NOT my destiny. I have been fighting and fighting hard to get my mental state in a good place. I have been doing better despite a few bumps in the road and then today happened. I received a demand letter from the government of my province giving me 20 days to repay $13,654.61 in full. Let me tell you about this money I supposedly have to pay them. When life went to shit and caused my daughter an attempt on her life in November of 2021 I was taken off work for medical reasons. I had applied for sick benefits through employment insurance and received these about 8 weeks later. This also means I went 8 weeks without any income! They lasted for 15 weeks. It was 55% of my income so I got used to living on minimal. When these benefits ran out I had zero. I was then forced to go back to work but I could not with my mental condition return to the same job I had left. I searched long and hard and found a nice work from home job. I did that for about 7 months when my anxiety would not allow me to keep it going. Again I was taken off work and applied for and received medical employment insurance benefits. I got 15 weeks of benefits. I was just before the date where these benefits became a 26 week thing. That bought me some time but I did have to wait 4 or 5 weeks before starting to receive these benefits. I was advised by my medical team to apply for Canada Pension Disability. I did so knowing it would be a battle and a time consuming one at that. I refused to apply for “welfare” (income support) but was encouraged by my therapist to do so to ensure I had some income into the home while waiting the long wait for disability. So I did and was approved. I got approx 1000 per month plus they paid my power monthly. My rent alone is $800. I applied for Disability in March of 2022. Through all the jigs and reels and appeals process I was approved in July 2024 in the amount of $792 per month plus I have to pay taxes on that. I did get a back pay of $13,133.50. ( I currently we taxes on that money too) It was an exciting day and I could literally feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. Needless to say after all the years of struggles I had bills to pay. I owed $2400 for rent alone. As expected I was cut off my income support payments and told I could not apply again until July. While I do not understand that given the little amount of money I am receiving each month, I accepted that. Now I owe them more than I received in benefits and am not in receipt of income support. This makes zero sense to me. I thought the reason I was cut from these benefits was because I had that lump payment to live off of. Now it appears that I am expected to live on $792 a month, pay taxes on that and pay back a debt of more than I ever received. This is our Canada. They would rather see me dead than being able to survive. They would rather help my mental health decline than to assist in my healing by helping me to have a roof over my head or food in my belly. Tell me how the hell one is suppose to get over depression or anxiety living this way. This is why our suicide rates are so high. There is just no break. At all! One thing after another. I am battling and I am trying but for what? At what point does one say fuck it and give up? Oh Canada – Kindly Fuck off!

Today I feel spent! I went to bed early last night (10pm) and slept until my alarm went off at 7am. I had set my alarm to get up and take the garbage and recycling out. I got up and did just that. I think the stress is getting me today. My rent for this month is not paid yet. As each day passes and it is left unpaid I get more stressed about it. Lil bit is expecting a cheque in the mail today or tomorrow and that will cover what I don't have. My anxiety has me imagining and fearing my landlord showing up at my door. I can't do people. I can't do confrontation. I Can't! I just finished digging through my closet to see if I could find an old bottle of vape juice and no luck. It seems at a time when vape juice was plentiful I got rid of all the old stuff. I am kicking myself in the arse today as I am about to run out. I did find lots of cigarettes though. I really do not want to go back to ciggies but it is not looking good here. I am trying to convince myself that this is just a bump in the road. Just a bump in the road! Not all days can be good and while this is not a great one, it also isn't the worst so I will take that as a win.

Today was a pretty okay day. It started after 6 hours sleep at 7:15am. I wanted to go back to sleep but my body and mind were awake. No sense in fighting that. I read a chapter in my book (The Emotionally Absent Mother) and had therapy this afternoon. My therapist noticed a difference in my appearance. That was good for me. I started a sourdough starter today. That is something I have never done. I am excited to see how this project goes. I also found a nice little chair yoga/workout on you tube that I done this evening. I know I need some movement in my life and that walking to and from the bathroom (or fridge) is not enough.

Yesterday I was full of energy and accomplished many things. Today not so much! I feel like I need to go back to bed and start all over. My energy level is zero. My get up and go has left the building. I feel heavy. I do not want to watch anything. I do not want to play my game. I do not want to read. I do not want to do the dishes. I am in a spot of existing. I am trying to convince myself that a crash day after a good day is ok and to be honest I kind of expected as much after the great day yesterday. My main goal for today is to not let the negative thoughts take over. Tomorrow is a new day.

Four years ago today the bottom dropped out of my world. The days since then have been a constant battle of survival for me. Some of it a blur and some of it bringing gut wrenching pain. Today, however, I am happy to report I have had the best day I have had in 4 years! I woke up early this morning and immediately knew what day it was. This day, that date on the calendar did not get the best of me this year. There is something about knowing the monster that changed the trajectory of my life is behind bars. Over the holidays every time I would start to feel sad or down I would remind myself that HE the CONVICTED Pedophile is in jail. He is having Christmas dinner away from his family and behind bars. It brings me some resemblance of peace.

December 16, 2024

Today is a little better. While my situation is still in the trenches I am trying not to allow myself to be down there with it. I am pretty sure I have just poked it away deep down inside me to deal with at another time. This is probably not the best way to handle it but what else can I do. I can not make phone calls or talk to anyone on a weekend. I have to put it away and decided to try not to dwell on or even think about it right now. It is still a ridiculous situation and hard to believe this can happen to someone in this country. I done dishes, made egg salad sandwiches and cooked bbq pork chops. I was feeling a bit of energy this morning and decided to do what I could in the event another crash is coming. We will at least eat today and I am choosing to take this as a win.

Today is bad, real bad. Fuck! Just when I was starting to come around. I have been reaching out for help all morning and finding there is none to be had. Still waiting on a couple call backs that may never arrive and am weighing the options for survival, that are available, given the circumstances in this moment. Jail or Die! I am not quitting just yet. I will hold through the weekend and see if those calls come next week. This country should be ashamed of how it treats its people. Canada was great but I promise you it is not anymore. It isn't even Canada really. I cant even wish to get out of here because that requires money, and not a little, it requires wealth. Come to think of it to be able to matter in this country also requires wealth and I have to be among the poorest in the land and therefore I do not matter. No one gives two flying fucks!

I am starting to believe that happiness is NOT my destiny. I have been fighting and fighting hard to get my mental state in a good place. I have been doing better despite a few bumps in the road and then today happened. I received a demand letter from the government of my province giving me 20 days to repay $13,654.61 in full. Let me tell you about this money I supposedly have to pay them. When life went to shit and caused my daughter an attempt on her life in November of 2021 I was taken off work for medical reasons. I had applied for sick benefits through employment insurance and received these about 8 weeks later. This also means I went 8 weeks without any income! They lasted for 15 weeks. It was 55% of my income so I got used to living on minimal. When these benefits ran out I had zero. I was then forced to go back to work but I could not with my mental condition return to the same job I had left. I searched long and hard and found a nice work from home job. I did that for about 7 months when my anxiety would not allow me to keep it going. Again I was taken off work and applied for and received medical employment insurance benefits. I got 15 weeks of benefits. I was just before the date where these benefits became a 26 week thing. That bought me some time but I did have to wait 4 or 5 weeks before starting to receive these benefits. I was advised by my medical team to apply for Canada Pension Disability. I did so knowing it would be a battle and a time consuming one at that. I refused to apply for “welfare” (income support) but was encouraged by my therapist to do so to ensure I had some income into the home while waiting the long wait for disability. So I did and was approved. I got approx 1000 per month plus they paid my power monthly. My rent alone is $800. I applied for Disability in March of 2022. Through all the jigs and reels and appeals process I was approved in July 2024 in the amount of $792 per month plus I have to pay taxes on that. I did get a back pay of $13,133.50. ( I currently we taxes on that money too) It was an exciting day and I could literally feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. Needless to say after all the years of struggles I had bills to pay. I owed $2400 for rent alone. As expected I was cut off my income support payments and told I could not apply again until July. While I do not understand that given the little amount of money I am receiving each month, I accepted that. Now I owe them more than I received in benefits and am not in receipt of income support. This makes zero sense to me. I thought the reason I was cut from these benefits was because I had that lump payment to live off of. Now it appears that I am expected to live on $792 a month, pay taxes on that and pay back a debt of more than I ever received. This is our Canada. They would rather see me dead than being able to survive. They would rather help my mental health decline than to assist in my healing by helping me to have a roof over my head or food in my belly. Tell me how the hell one is suppose to get over depression or anxiety living this way. This is why our suicide rates are so high. There is just no break. At all! One thing after another. I am battling and I am trying but for what? At what point does one say fuck it and give up? Oh Canada – Kindly Fuck off!

Today I feel spent! I went to bed early last night (10pm) and slept until my alarm went off at 7am. I had set my alarm to get up and take the garbage and recycling out. I got up and did just that. I think the stress is getting me today. My rent for this month is not paid yet. As each day passes and it is left unpaid I get more stressed about it. Lil bit is expecting a cheque in the mail today or tomorrow and that will cover what I don't have. My anxiety has me imagining and fearing my landlord showing up at my door. I can't do people. I can't do confrontation. I Can't! I just finished digging through my closet to see if I could find an old bottle of vape juice and no luck. It seems at a time when vape juice was plentiful I got rid of all the old stuff. I am kicking myself in the arse today as I am about to run out. I did find lots of cigarettes though. I really do not want to go back to ciggies but it is not looking good here. I am trying to convince myself that this is just a bump in the road. Just a bump in the road! Not all days can be good and while this is not a great one, it also isn't the worst so I will take that as a win.

Today was a pretty okay day. It started after 6 hours sleep at 7:15am. I wanted to go back to sleep but my body and mind were awake. No sense in fighting that. I read a chapter in my book (The Emotionally Absent Mother) and had therapy this afternoon. My therapist noticed a difference in my appearance. That was good for me. I started a sourdough starter today. That is something I have never done. I am excited to see how this project goes. I also found a nice little chair yoga/workout on you tube that I done this evening. I know I need some movement in my life and that walking to and from the bathroom (or fridge) is not enough.

Yesterday I was full of energy and accomplished many things. Today not so much! I feel like I need to go back to bed and start all over. My energy level is zero. My get up and go has left the building. I feel heavy. I do not want to watch anything. I do not want to play my game. I do not want to read. I do not want to do the dishes. I am in a spot of existing. I am trying to convince myself that a crash day after a good day is ok and to be honest I kind of expected as much after the great day yesterday. My main goal for today is to not let the negative thoughts take over. Tomorrow is a new day.

Four years ago today the bottom dropped out of my world. The days since then have been a constant battle of survival for me. Some of it a blur and some of it bringing gut wrenching pain. Today, however, I am happy to report I have had the best day I have had in 4 years! I woke up early this morning and immediately knew what day it was. This day, that date on the calendar did not get the best of me this year. There is something about knowing the monster that changed the trajectory of my life is behind bars. Over the holidays every time I would start to feel sad or down I would remind myself that HE the CONVICTED Pedophile is in jail. He is having Christmas dinner away from his family and behind bars. It brings me some resemblance of peace.

December 16, 2024